I believe that a flexible mind helps me to deal with chaos, loss, big life changes, small frustrations, and all the shit life throws my way. A flexible mind gets me through a bad conversation, long meetings, a bad day, bad week… A flexible mind is a sane mind… Well, sanity is relative so, yeah… Anyway…
A flexible mind has lead me to peace. I’m not as stuck in my ways, and can adapt to change which is something that I did not have in previous years. I don’t always think I’m right and it has made me listen to others. I can take on unwanted challenges with a smile.
I don’t always have this flexible mind, to be honest, but I’m working on it. When I’m not flexible, I can feel it: my mind starts to feel rigid; I feel frustration, irritation, anger, disappointment. There’s a feeling of not wanting things to be the way they are, feeling of being wronged, attacked. It’s the result of being caught up in whatever story I’m telling myself in the particular moment. Maybe I am at work and I begin to feel the pressures of my job as an outreach worker. Maybe I am struggling to finish the 90 Day Life Change Challenge like I am today… Pressure builds, frustration, anxiety, stress… I begin to grind my teeth, feel the weight on my chest… This is completely unnecessary and I know, and after talking to my friend today (happens to be a therapist…) I realized that her assessment of me was correct; I am telling myself the wrong story in that moment.
So here’s what I’ve been working on, to develop a more flexible mind:
1. Recognize the rigidity. If I notice myself getting frustrated, hardening up, feeling that rigidness … This is the sign that I should practice reframing my story, and the good news is that practice is helping me get better, so I should celebrate! This is a lesson that life has gifted me, and I try to say thank you because if you have read my previous rants, the one thing I sought at the cost of everything else was peace, and this practice has taught me that peace isn’t sought out, it is generated from inside...
2. Don’t act on negative emotions. The most harm comes when I act out of my frustration, actions that might include shutting down and not talking to someone. So when I notice the rigidness, I try not to take any harmful action. Instead, I try to turn inward to face whatever is arising. Most people who are acquainted with me now, know that if I am in pain, frustrated or having a bad day, I will inwardly reflect. I will never “shut down” but I will become very calm and quiet as I assess the emotions I am feeling.
3. Stay with the feeling. Turn towards the feeling, and just observe it. I see it as something that is arising, but isn’t necessarily me. It’s a feeling, a cloud passing across the sky, not a big deal. What does it feel like, physically in my body? I know that the feeling will pass this I am sure of.
4. Give it some space, and yourself some compassion. If the rigid feeling that is arising is a cloud, then I try to give it a big, expansive blue sky to float across. Instead of being immersed in the emotion, I experience it, analyze it and breathe through it... Then I give myself some compassion. I tell myself that it’s OK to feel this! And it’s good to give myself some love and understanding. Just like I would feel compassion for someone having a bad moment, I let myself have a bad moment. We all experience bad times, so why not give myself the same freedom?
5. Relax, and loosen my grip. The rigidity comes from wanting something or someone to be a certain way. I’m holding on tightly because I really want this situation to unfold my way. Instead, I try to loosen my grip on whatever it is. It doesn’t really matter that much, I can flow around this. Instead, I try to relax into the moment, and be with whatever is going on. Notice the world around me, right now, instead of being caught up in my story. Relax, and be grateful for what’s around me because as my therapist friend put it so superbly today, there is beauty in every moment and I just need to have the open mind to find it, recognize it and appreciate it. Smart lady…
6. Saying “I don’t know...” Pay attention because this is the key to it all. Once I’ve relaxed a bit, I can now tell myself, “I don’t know how things should be. I don’t even know how they are now.” So this gives me space to not know, and to investigate. What is the truth about this moment? What would it be like to allow the future to unfold without knowing? What is it like to not know how other people should act, but be curious about why they’re acting that way? Perhaps most beautiful? Give them some compassion too… Not knowing. A flexible mind is one that doesn’t really know what should happen, and is not even sure what will unfold in this next moment. It is curious, like a baby exploring the world afresh. Remember the blog about “Beginner’s mind”? When we sit in meditation, or take each moment as it comes, we allow ourselves to not know, and to be interested in whatever arises.
That’s what I’m working with, imperfectly and forgetfully, and I find it helpful to not know… Not knowing allows me to learn and that is the most magnificent opportunity in this life…
The 90 Day Life Change Challenge update… We are talking about four days to go… I am smashing it… I’m behind today, but there is no stress, I am organized and have a plan to finish the challenge today, tomorrow and until it is done. My body is sore, my mind feels a little stretched out but I am resilient and will not back down now… Like I said yesterday, I am no more likely to quit now than I was at day one, this just feels a lot better… hahaha
I hope this blog helped you today, I have the techniques used in it to be quite useful… Letting go of constant control has been exhilarating… Like I always tell myself, “I will not worry about things outside of my control, I will concentrate on the things I can control. These things are mostly, but not entirely limited to my words, my actions, my ideas, my effort and my behaviors.”
Lastly, I would like to thank Danielle for this one… Working on yourself is a gargantuan task and it helps when someone points out where you might be fucking up a little… There is beauty in everything, even silence and darkness, just not everyone can find it... I appreciate the help…
Love you guys like an old hippy likes to hear “I Can’t Get No Satisfaction…”
See you tomorrow…
Made me think about my experience at the bank yesterday. I was becoming impatient and had to change my thinking and attitude. Wasn't so bad after all
ReplyDeleteThat is a winning attitude if I have ever heard one... Slowing down the mind and controlling unnecessary negative emotions is paramount to a inner peace... Great job! Thanks for the read and the comment!
DeleteIt's hard to start this one. I'm getting better at it but it's easy to get frustrated and feel attacked and harder to pause and let it go. Working on it though.
ReplyDeleteThe key thing is that you are aware of it... Too often we see triggered people who are not even remotely aware that they could get control of their negative emotions, they just think that is the way they are... Feel proud that you are self aware and you are working on it... Give yourself credit! Thanks for the read and the comment...
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