DAY 28: Week Four: Celebration and a Time to Double Down....

Philosophically, when we seek to better ourselves, we are in fact seeking a higher plain of existence, a better life, and a new operational construct.  In order to travel this road to our definition of success, we mark milestones along the way. Usually these milestones are time based, for instance the person seeking sobriety may mark time in increments of days at the onset, then moving to weeks, months and finally, years of sobriety. Today I mark 28 days, or one month of sobriety and the dual quest of not only becoming sober, but enhancing my life on multiple levels. Experts will tell you that 90 day challenges have milestones that they call “levels” of achievement at designated times along the journey. Level One at Day Three, Level Two at Day Seven, Three at 14, etc… These levels denote symbols of success and psychological “celebration” points for the sojourner to stop and reflect on the time passed, the new way of being and as a tool to steel oneself to continue. For those of us who have reached these points, we are aware that they are where pride is experienced and resolve is strengthened and we can gain a sense of what it will feel like to finish. But we also have to stop at these points and ask ourselves, what are the most universal challenges to attaining this new way of being?  How do I move forward and keep momentum without falling prey to my own weaknesses and pride? Here is a list of some top challenges we face as we traverse our chosen challenges and how to conquer them.

1. Losing Focus 

Most of us reading this have many goals in life and some are reading while in the midst of meeting the challenge to attain those goals. As an example, I have mentioned several times in this blog over the weeks that I have wanted to learn to play the guitar. It’s been a lifelong goal of mine and over the years, I have been start/stopping my lessons while life took precedent over my goal. In the beginning I would learn some chords and practice three to four times a week and then something happens where I’m not making progress and childishly I would make an excuse or two and then time between practice sessions would grow longer and longer until the guitar would wind up back in the case and under the bed or in the back of the closet so it wasn’t out in the open and accusing me of not being played… I found myself getting busy at work or some life emergency happened to redirect my attention and I would fail to get back to it for months or even years. It is easy to lose focus of long-term goals by the sheer virtue of them being long-term. Remember my blog last week that the reason people fail is that their goals are long term and hard as hell to attain? Well, this is one of those types of goals for me. So what do we do here? The best thing that you can do is try not to lose focus in the first place. If at all possible, don’t skip your scheduled lessons during times of difficulty. Working on your goal, staying focused on your goal, can actually help minimize the stress you feel during the difficult times. If you do find yourself losing focus, just get back to it as soon as you realize it! Make your goal a fucking priority, practice when you don’t feel like it, practice through your apathy, practice when you are sick, practice, practice, practice… There have been days in the last month when I have wanted to defenestrate the guitar I own… There have also been moments when guitar practice was so amazing, I got a little verklempt and these are the times I work for, concentrate on and count on that they will happen more and more as I practice conscientiously. Sometimes I can only muster ten minutes but I sit down and focus and make those minutes count. When you are losing focus, refocus and make your goal important to you again.

2. Letting the negative mindset of Imposter Syndrome creep in on you…

So there I was feeling good, I met my challenges for the day, my goals are in forefront of my mind and I believe they are attainable…I’ve got life by the balls… Then all of the sudden out of nowhere, some crazy thought like “hey dude, who the fuck are you to be writing about success?” It’s almost like being hit by a car and believe me, I’ve been hit by a car and I know… Using the escape pod of challenging yourself to get the fuck away from your own miserable life is really hard. Rising above your bad habits, negative thoughts and impulses, and seeking to better yourself is a steep climb. Even when you win, your brain will try it’s best to stop you because seeing yourself as “needing improvement” isn’t easy. Critical thinking about your appetites, actions and lackadaisical lifestyle takes courage and escaping it takes really hard work. Whenever I feel that voice start to take me down, I let it know I am worthy to do this. I am allowed to be proud of myself and although there are people out there who will not agree with me, they don’t matter. I will listen to their opinions of course because they might have something to teach me about myself, but mainly, haters just teach one thing… They are assholes with self esteem problems that are just jealous of your new mindset. Now here is something you may be able to use… Don’t be your own hater, you’re not an asshole and you deserve self praise for meeting goals, achieving milestones and it’s perfectly okay to be proud of yourself…

3. Letting toxic people control you…

You know who they are and you know what I am talking about… Best way to deal with them is to cut them out of your life and let them go shit on someone else. They are shitting on you mostly because you let them and you want to avoid confrontation. But while you are weathering their toxic storm, you are taking on the water of their negativity and sooner or later, they will take you down. Now I know, you may be dealing with a toxic family member, coworker or even a boss that you cannot simply dismiss from your life. If you are interested, here is an interesting article in Psychology Today to deal with them tactfully and keep your healthy mindset by taking power over them. But seriously, if it was me, I will meet your negative ass head on and the collision will not be pretty. I value my healthy, positive and progressive mind way more than familial ties or "necessary" relationships. Toxic people go down fast because they are already weighed down with their own negative self image and like all bullies, they are usually more bluff than action. Even if you meet one of these people head on and they win, what did they win? They get to continue their miserable existence and they get to do it without you… That doesn’t sound like winning to me... More than once I have heard stories about toxic people driving someone out of there life and keeping their status while the person they tormented has lost their job, or been driven from a family only to later hear that the person driven out was presented with profoundly better opportunity. Losing is always an opportunity to be better.

There are many more challenges than I can possibly list here but overcoming them all have a similar construct. Diligence, recognition, and a plan to confront them for what they are, threats to your goal to change for the better.

Now get to work, daylight is burning…

So here it is, 10:30 on a Sunday and The 90 Day Life Change Challenge is completed for the day except for the guitar… Hmm… The super Bowl is on today and I have to get some other stuff done… Maybe I should put off the guitar for the day, just to make room for that other stuff and give myself a much needed break… My fingers are so sore anyway and they need a day to heal…

Now, right now I’m making excuses, contemplating being lazy and letting negative thoughts creep up on my goals… I really have only one recourse here and that is to look myself firmly in the eye, take a deep breath and say, “fuck off, get your guitar or I will make you do Burpees during the Super Bowl…”

Have a beautiful day, Go Bucs!

Love every one of you and I hope all of you make goals and succeed!

See you tomorrow…

Day 27: Order in the Court! Your Self Improvement Claims Are on Trial....

“When the pandemic is over, I’m going to….” Let’s not call this an outright lie, we can tone it down to perjuring ourselves for the sake of not pissing anyone off this beautiful Saturday morning… Perjury has a nice, protective feel to it. So, ORDER IN THE COURT! We are going to talk about the promises we make ourselves when we really have no real intention of anything… 

It’s not just “when the pandemic is over…” We can include New Year’s resolutions, which by the way according to experts, on average, 80% of fail by the second week of February. Also included are all the times humans have uttered, “I will start Monday, or first of the month, or as soon as I get organized, or as soon as shit calms down at work and on and on with promises to yourself that you have never have any intention of keeping…  If you were dating yourself, you would never last as a couple… You’re a flake and although you mean well, dating yourself would just mean constant disappointment…

Why? Why can’t we make a plan to better ourselves and stay on track? Why is it that we say things like, I’m going to lose ten pounds... Then in the morning we wake up and by the time we get to work; we are eating the donuts on the desk promising ourselves this is the last one… Then afternoon comes and it’s Brenda from finance's birthday and there is a giant sheet cake and this is the last time we will indulge until after dinner when it’s time for some stupid television show where we unwind with some ice cream because, well, this is dessert and I didn’t do very well today so I will indulge this one last time… Imagine if you treated your outside relationships the way you treat the relationship to yourself? That’s three fails, and probably more if you’re honest, in one single day and it is never ending. The cycle of self realization, failure, self negotiation, failure, self negotiation, failure, etc… continues until you just lose faith in yourself. It's a good thing you can't leave yourself for that cute person in Human Resources who keeps eyeing you, or you probably would...

The three most popular New Year’s Resolutions are lose weight /get in shape, find love/eliminate loneliness and save money… Now, let’s say that you’re driving to the beach and along the way you start seeing warning signs. You know, “Construction Ahead” or “Detour” or even something as simple as “Left Lane Closed in 1000 Feet”…. Now unless you are complete idiot, you take heed and start adjusting your journey to fit the conditions so you don’t crash… That is the prudent thing to do. I wish more people would start getting over to not bottleneck the closed lane but I digress… I just see the sign that says “Left Lane Closed One Mile” and I move the fuck over and then watch the moron’s race ahead trying to beat the traffic jam that they are causing by not merging early… Ya know? Fuck… Anyway…  If you pay attention the signs along the way, you get to the beach even when those around you slow you down because they aren’t heeding the warning signs… Simple… Don’t take the detour and end up stopped, crashed or even dead because you were warned and ignored it…

Now… Let’s take the trip to the beach analogy and make it a trip to losing weight… Yeah, a vacation from your indulgence…  You make a plan, maybe find the diet that fits you, then make another plan to find the exercise plan that fits you and you get your gear and specify a date and on that date, you get started…  All good… You are on your way to losing weight and feeling better… 

Then the warning signs start… Gold’s Gym offered up this memorable list of warning signs that your health goals are at risk:

C – Can’t find the time.

L – Lacking a game plan to keep you going.

I –  Ignoring your commitment and falling into old patterns.

F – Frustrated with lack of early results.

F – Forgetting why you started.

These are so blatantly obvious that it’s like one of those giant flashing signs along the highway that say “WARNING: ACCIDENT AHEAD SLOW DOWN”… You obey that, simply because not obeying it means that the sign will change two “2 ACCIDENTS AHEAD” if you don’t. Imagine if you saw that sign and acted like it wasn’t occurring… “Yeah, babe, there may be an accident but not for us…” 

So let’s take a quick glance at this…

“C” stands for “Can’t find the time…” This is by far the easiest one to spot… If you say, “I am too busy today” then you haven’t committed... Simple as that. There is time, every day you waste precious time and call it “me time” or some other nonsensical excuse.  Get up earlier. Not having the time isn’t a reason; it’s an excuse and a piss poor one at that. So if you see this sign along your weight loss/fitness journey, make the adjustment early in your trip or it will end almost before it began…

“L” stands for “Lacking a Game Plan to Keep you Going” Think about it… Would you go on a trip without at least a rudimentary game plan? Saying “I’m going to lose weight…” is not a game plan. Saying “I’m going to lose weight by picking a diet, giving myself freedom to adjust, letting myself fail but continue going and join BeachBody Online for the freedom it allows me to work out…” Now THAT’S a fucking game plan… So if you notice that you don’t have a plan for your newfound resolve, it’s a huge red flag waving in your face…

“I” stands for “Ignoring your commitment and falling into old patterns…” I do have a little bone to pick with the Gold’s Gym acronym at this point… Ignoring your commitment is the error but “falling” into old patterns of behavior? No… You don’t fall into old patterns of behavior any more than you choose to fuck around on your spouse or significant other. You “choose” and although that makes it harder to accept, it places the blame where it belongs, on the person making the choices… So if you are choosing to ignore your commitment to your plan and find yourself “whoopsing” into old patterns, just stop… Put your priorities where they belong…

“F” Stands for “Frustrated with a lack of early results…” Listen, if it took you years to gain that weight, you aren’t going to lose it in weeks, or even months… If you work out for two weeks and look in the mirror and don’t notice anything different and quit, you’re being childish… Children demand the impossible, rational adults understand that shifts in behavior patterns do not mean instant abs… Your body is suffering from years of poor diet, abuse, alcohol, drugs and whatever else you did or didn’t do for it… Shifts in metabolism take long periods of time. Not to get too technical here but here’s the thing: the human body is a machine. It doesn’t care how you want to look. It cares about surviving. Thus, it will optimize whatever it gets and it will reset itself to ensure its survival. If you are dieting, it will let you lose a certain amount without putting up too much of a fight, but at a certain point, it will start to optimize and run more efficiently based on its intake. That may mean a lowered basal metabolic rate and catabolism, i.e. a shedding of actual muscle mass, which can lower your metabolism. The hole you dug for yourself will take some time to climb out of and it will take much more effort to get out than getting into. In short, go by how you feel rather than how you look or what your scale says. If things aren’t changing fast enough for you, be honest and ask yourself if you are as committed as your actions are demonstrating? Want more? Work Harder… So if you start to falter because you aren’t getting fast enough results, then re-evaluate and go back to work…

“F” Stands for “Forgetting why you started…” Probably the most important part of any Personal Challenge Plan is the actual reason you are doing it… I have never forgotten stepping out of the shower into that full length mirror, nor will I ever forget it. That is my “why” and although my goals have changed with the inclusion of health, feeling good, sleeping better my original platform of absolute horror at the recognition of what I had become remains as the single most important reason for my transformation and continued work. So if your promise to yourself isn’t being kept, renew your vows by remembering why you started…  Instead of failing, try these:

    1. Ask if you need help. Not everyone can do it alone and there is no shame in asking someone how they do it… I guarantee you that when you ask a person how they achieved their goal, they will be more than helpful. they might even be a blogger or two out there who gives solid advice in a way you can accept it...

    2. Start small and build on your success…  Holistic health is multifaceted so you can choose a battle you can win. The human body needs roughly a half gallon of water per day to operate on an optimal level. That’s eight, 8 ounces spread throughout the day. Set your alarm for every so often to remind you to drink a cup…  In the beginning you are going to hate water and spend a lot of time in the bathroom but just those two things right there should teach you that you are certainly not drinking enough… A few weeks and you will notice a world of difference and that victory will lead to another challenge that you can take on and win until each successive challenge will lead to a new you… Start small, win big…

    3. Make it a part of your everyday routine… Like the alarm to drink, make sure your new resolution can be easily inserted into your schedule… It takes roughly 66 days to make a good habit… When you see small results, know that you are making headway into carving those new cerebral pathways…

    4. Keep track of your progress… Data is god here… Modern culture has placed something into your hands that you can use for much more than a porn stream and there is an app for just about everything… Track your data and correlate that with how you feel…. More water? More better…  More better?  More resolve… Success feeds itself and if you think I’m bullshitting you, try it…

Stop promising yourself you are going to do something and get to work. Like any relationship, the more promises broken, the more distrust occurs… Not being able to trust someone else is really disappointing but losing faith in yourself is a fucking tragedy. Think about the damage you are doing when you say “On Monday…” and nothing happens. Sit down and make a list of all the things you want to change about yourself, and then find the small things that you can easily handle and make them happen. You won’t regret it…

The 90 Day Life Change Challenge update: Day 27 is a success… Up at the right time, exercised, new podcast… A few more small tasks and the rest of the day belongs to me… Every day of this challenge has been difficult but there is a level of accomplishment when I lie down at night that drives me to keep going because with this profound change in me after 27 days, I cannot fathom what is going to happen after 90... There is a running list of things "I always wanted to do..." and now they are being put into future 90 Day Life Change Challenges because I know that I can achieve it... It's an incredible feeling...

See you tomorrow…

Love ya, mean it… 

Go succeed, you won’t be sorry.

Day 26: Overcoming Fear Because We Didn't Have Axe Body Spray.. The Four Step Formula

So which one is worse? Standing around waiting for someone to actually go first or just saying “screw it” and being first? 

For those of you closer to my age, you can probably relate to this story, for the rest of you, watch some coming of age movie like Porky’s and maybe you can get over the horror of what I am about to tell you…

I promise, this psychologically disturbing example has merit…

I entered junior high school in 1977… Good old Fickett Junior High School in Tucson, Arizona… After Phys Ed (Physical Education where we actually did shit that many of us got injured and nobody called a lawyer…) we were required to shower… Together… Naked… No, really, I’m not joking… You are getting ready to learn why the modern gym locker room is filled with older people walking around naked like it’s totally fucking normal… 

So there we stood, 50 or so 13-14 year old's in their underwear waiting for someone to go first… I still remember the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable silence and the coach stepping out from his office and yelling, and no I am not kidding, “Alright ladies, get in the shower! Class ain’t waiting on you! Let’s go!” Then he stepped back into his office and appeared at the window that his office had to keep a watch on the locker room… Talk about fucking weird… Then I clearly remember doing something that made me the person that I am today…

I dropped the shorts, grabbed the bar of Ivory Soap (Body wash hadn't been invented yet...) with a washcloth and towel and walked into that shower like it was normal… Slowly the trickle of boys entering the shower grew until it was just two or three left standing in the locker room and one kid absolutely refusing to enter… He went home with a note and I still wonder to this day what that conversation looked like at that dinner table…

“So Mr. Bluth tells me you didn’t join the naked parade this afternoon, Johnny…”  Being a parent in the seventies was probably pretty strange…  Now you can call someone when your kid is traumatized, back then, you punished them for it….

So yeah, that was the day I became the idiot that goes first… First down the slide, first on the dance floor, first dude to jump out the door of the plane, first in line for the bungee jump, first guy to answer questions at a seminar… You get the idea… The fucker you either wish would shut up or the guy you wish you were…  Now look, I’m not fearless by any means… You really think that standing there on that August day in 1977 that I couldn’t wait to take off my underwear in a group of strangers and walk naked through the crowd to be the first guy to shower? Seriously, I was fucking mortified but it didn’t have anything to do with the situation, it had everything to do with alleviating that feeling of fear… Yeah, how about that? When I am suited up and am waiting for the plane to gain altitude, I know what’s about to happen… Truth is I love the feeling of overcoming fear… There is sensation of power in it… I am seriously shitting in my jumpsuit and the look of bravado and jokes about death? Well, that’s just the way I deal with it… Dropping my 1970’s tightey whities and entering that shower clicked something in my brain that day that gave me the edge… I will jump, I mean fuck it, the death rate is lower than driving a car and I do that multiple times a day, so why not? 

Overcoming your fear is the key to feeling better… Courage isn’t about having no fear. Do you think those men who stormed the beach at Normandy weren’t afraid? They were storming the beach with the enemy having the tactical advantage of elevation on them and they knew it.  They knew a lot of them were going to die. There are tons of stories out there about similar situations where fear is the norm, crying and shitting your pants is perfectly fine, but failure to overcome that fear is not an option… 

So what about if I do have the option? I’ve seen a lot of people let fear overtake and conquer them. I didn’t blame them, because some people just aren’t ready yet… They get talked into doing something and at the last second, right at the edge of the leap, they flake…  I have jumped off everything from The Hog Hollow Bridge in Lewis County, West Virginia to cliffs in Sabino Canyon outside of Tucson, Arizona…  I have also watched many people step up to the edge, take a look and then back out… 

I often wonder about those people though, what happens after that moment when fear overtook them? Do they wish they would have gone? 

So listen, today is about taking chances and I don’t mean chances with your life and I certainly don’t mean walking naked through the gym locker room and having conversations about your investments while you drag a towel between your ass cheeks… That’s creepy… Unless you’re into it I guess…

First, stop looking at people like me and wondering how I hang off of a rope on the side of a mountain, or leap out of a plane… I am an idiot, just that simple… I don’t mind being an idiot, hell, I walked around naked in seventh grade in front of grown men strategically called “coach” standing in picture windows watching… I can’t really explain what that does to a pubescent teen mind, but it I try not to think about it… 

Instead of something obviously only an idiot would attempt, let’s look at something simpler, more basic. How about the fears of interacting with someone you don’t know, say, during a work training. Everyone is putting in their two cents and there are always a couple of people who are silent unless prompted and when they are prompted, you can feel their discomfort. Their fear is palpable and the relief when they are done is felt throughout the room….

It may take a few meetings but instead of letting your fear silence you, do this as an alternative:

1. Feel your fear… Experience it from a deeper standpoint than simple emotions. Try to step back from it and look at it. What I am feeling from a mental aspect? What am I feeling from a physical standpoint? Remember, fear is a survival instinct. It is a signal that something is wrong and protects us from danger and allows us to survive. The problem is, your mind often doesn’t know the difference between an existential threat - such as a saber tooth tiger who is about to attack you, and a non-existential threat, like the fear of being embarrassed or rejected. To your mind, it’s all the same. Something is wrong. There is a threat to your safety and you feel scared. By looking at your fear analytically, you can sort out if the threat is existential or non-existential. Denying your fears will only allow them to have more power over you - Let yourself feel your fear instead of pushing it away or avoiding it, and observe what being afraid feels like.

2. The definition of “embrace” plays out as:  “To accept or support willingly and enthusiastically - to take in or include as a part, item, or element of a more inclusive whole.”  Once you feel the fear, you need to embrace it. Yeah, I’m suggesting to you to accept it willingly AND embrace it enthusiastically. For the love of God, Why? Because fear is your friend... Remember, the feeling of fear is hard-wired in us.  If Glonk the Cave Dude wasn’t afraid of Mr. Saber Tooth, then human beings would not have evolved… Fear is there to protect us.  Once you embrace that fear and accept it will ALWAYS be present in some form,  then you can stop wasting time trying to ‘overcome’ or ‘get rid’ of it and start spending time learning how to understand, manage and work through it. Fear is your buddy, and let me tell you, whether I am jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or psyching myself out to teach a wellness class at work, the fear is there. Fear keeps me in check and helps me pay attention to safety, security and focus. 

3. Once you’ve identified the fear as non-existential and embraced it, then you can move on to the best part: Acting on your fear… Aristotle believed the cure for fear was to act in virtuous ways, including being courageous. Too often, we let anxiety, overwhelm, and fear overcome us until we’re totally paralyzed and can’t do anything at all. How often have we sat there, with a perfectly good question knowing it would be great to ask, yet we sit there? Then somebody asks the question we had and the moment is gone, and your fear overtook and conquered you. How did that feel?

One of the only ways to overcome fear is to act.  Action creates further action; momentum creates further momentum. So, once you take one step, you’ll start building the confidence and the courage to take the next. I mean, when you succeed, you want to succeed again! Right?!?!?! Like I have said before in this blog, feeling good makes you feel good and repeated success actions lead to repeated success actions. 

Remember, sometimes the risk of not taking action is actually greater than the risk of moving forward. Take a look at the risks or issues if you don’t start something new or take a risk to chase your dreams.  What would happen? What would the outcome look like 3, 6, or 12 months from now? Is that outcome greater than the risk associated with jumping in and building the life of your dreams? Are you making those fears much worse than they actually are? For me, I’d always rather face an ocean of fear than a mountain of regret.

4. Finally, step four… REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT… Ask a question a meeting, nod and say thank you… Next meeting, do some research and ask a question… Pretty soon, you will that person who talks at meetings… Like Glonk let his fear made him act in a struggle to survive, let your fear of embarrassment lead you to act to ask questions and be a part of your team! Your fear is natural, embrace it and use it to shine.

Alright then, let’s tie all this stuff together… Travel back in time with me and ask how a scared kid in a locker room used steps he didn’t even know to mitigate anxiety he didn’t know he had… 

First, I knew that this wasn’t a threat to my existence. It was a locker room and although I had feared this moment from the first time one of the older kids let it drop that everyone showered after Phys Ed, I knew I wasn’t going to die… So I was experiencing fear and anxiety and all kinds of stuff you can sue the fuck out of someone for in the modern world, so what?… Secondarily was the fear that not doing it could be worse because going home to face a step parent that wasn’t in the mood to deal with me for not following the rules was a bigger fear… So the outcome of not acting was worse than not overcoming my fear in the moment.

After analyzing, acknowledging and accepting that I was afraid, I hooked my thumbs in the waistband and took a deep breath and acted… There was an audible collective relief that someone had acted. Now overcoming fear is a funny thing… I had courage in that moment and courage leads to self confidence… I waltzed through the locker room like I owned it… It was one of those coming of age moments that I will never forget, have never really ever talked about it before now and since then I have been courageous and occasionally audacious because of it… Being fearless is a lie… No one is fearless unless your amygdala is malfunctioning… Entertaining that fear is the problem… Not acting ensconces it and repeated failure to overcome your fear makes it a part of your personality. 

Fear of skydiving isn’t a fear of heights and it isn’t about dying… “Heights” ends at the third floor and becomes something else entirely… When you can see the patchwork construct of the planet, that isn’t “heights”, that’s called altitude… Fear of dying during skydiving isn’t valid… According to the United States Parachuting Association, there are an estimated 3 million jumps per year, and the fatality count is average of only 21. That's a 0.0007% chance of dying from a skydive, compared to a 0.0167% chance of dying in a car accident (based on driving 10,000 miles). If death was truly your fear, you wouldn’t drive, fly in a plane or even leave your house for that matter…  To drive that home, think about this… There are 5 million rock climbs completed yearly and 30 people get killed, compare that to the low percentage of shark attack fatalities and other activities that people claim that death is their main concern…  It isn’t death, it’s the fear of the unknown. The fear of fear… I am not ridiculing anyone, nor am I asking anyone to gear up, buckle up and shuffle to the door for a 15,000 foot freefall either, but I am questioning your fear of daily life. Yes, I am aware that some people have serious psychological issues and phobias that need medical attention, therapy and long term treatment. I know that, I work with them, have friends who suffer from it and am well aware of the seriousness of the issue… 

Again, for clarity I am not speaking to them… I’m talking to the general public who has a fear of bringing attention to themselves in any way. The people who function just below the radar screen, afraid to speak up, afraid to ask questions…

My advice? Go do something you wouldn’t normally do… You don’t have to be a daredevil, but I am asking you to creep up to the edge, feel your fear and at the very least consider the endless possibilities of that moment… Raise your hand at the meeting, ask  a question, swallow the lump in your throat, nod, thank them for their response, then excuse yourself, go into the bathroom and throw up if you have to…  Try to hold on to the feelings of triumph as you throw up, it gets better the more you practice, I promise…

So there ya go, this blog had it all… Frightened, naked and wet teenagers, war heroes, cliff jumping, cavemen and advice on overcoming your fears… Why wouldn’t you want to read it? Even if you didn’t get much out of it, you now understand the 60 year old guys walking around the gym locker room naked like they’re strolling through the mall… They were traumatized as children by sadistic, peeping tom coaches threatening them by calling them ladies… Yeah, I know… I didn’t want to say anything but, it felt okay to talk about it and now I feel a little less traumatized, but I’m still going first, so stay out of my way…

Love ya, honestly mean it…

See you tomorrow…

Oh yeah, update on the 90 Day Life Change Challenge… Pretty much all done today, I woke up at 0530 and after the hellish workout yesterday, (I did 252 pushups and 104 pull-ups in 50 minutes…) I was more than a little sore and in need of some extra healing, so I slept in… til 7:15 and then I got up and knocked another exercise day out of the ball park… 

Still thinking about how to talk about all the changes in my life without sounding magnanimous…  I will figure it out…

Day 25: Thinking About Thinking About Thinking About Changing... Yeah, It's a Real Thing....

I’m reminded of many situations in which people have had discussions with me about diet, exercise, lifestyle choices, etc… Due to my ambitions to see just how far I can push myself to find my limits, I often hear the final nail in the coffin that many people ascribe to their own fate. The fatal blow? “Oh I could never do that…” Whole food plant based vegan? Oh I could never do that… 0530 exercise? Oh, I could never do that… Meditation? Oh, I could never do that… I completely understand what is going on here, but I think we all need to rethink “I can’t…” I like to think that you can and you’re just not quite ready. For example, a doctor sends someone in for help in losing weight or quitting smoking. A husband urges his wife to go to therapy because she has panic attacks and won’t go many places. A wife urges her husband to change because she thinks he drinks too much. Parents advise their adult child who has severe social anxiety and won’t look for a job to get help. What do all these people have in common? The decision that they needed help was concluded by someone other than them. In most cases, when asked if they could change their behaviors, the comprehensive answer would be “I can’t…” 

Now what is the problem with “I can’t” when it is your go to response? The serious problem with this mindset is that is has zero potential for change and zero possibility for success. An “I can’t” mindset leaves no room for even consideration that there could be change in the future. This fatalistic attitude is a miserable approach to your problems and by giving yourself no choice to change, you back yourself into a corner and while this may feel safe one some levels, taking away your own freedom to make future decisions deeply affects your emotional wellbeing.

Honestly, when you look at things like exercise, are you being authentic with the ins and outs of your lethargy? Usually “can’t” means “I can’t work out as hard as you…” Now that simple reframe changes the whole landscape, doesn’t it? Of course you can’t work out as hard as someone who has been exercising for years… But how do we change over from “I can’t” to “I can’t go that hard…” or “I’m not ready to change…” or even “I don’t want to…” When you say “I don’t want to” you still give yourself the freedom to change later. 

I want to give you a pathway out of your impossibilities and give you possibilities… In the world of psychology, it’s a theory called “precontemplation” and getting there is effortless…

Prior to precontemplation is denial… People in denial are easy to spot and use terms like:

This is just how I am.

I don't have a problem.

What's the point?

I can’t… (When obviously, just about anyone could…)

Precontemplation is self-defined. It’s the thoughts before you contemplate the change. The thoughts before the thoughts… (Sorry, as a student of philosophy, I can’t resist references to thinking about thing… Self referentials are illegal as hell in descriptives but sometimes it’s all we have… ) People in precontemplation can seem like they're still in denial. We ask, “why doesn't he simply admit he has a problem?” Family members, colleagues and friends complain. It's true, denial can play a role in the precontemplation stage; however, it's often related to lack of information. For example, in the case of anxiety, people may not know they have disorder that is highly treatable. People with out of control appetites don’t realize that small adjustments lead to big changes over time.

People who have eaten improperly and never exercised have no idea how it feels to feel healthy. The state of being that they currently know is all they know.  Humans are binary creatures and communicate effectively only with dual descriptives. I cannot describe light without darkness, up without down or happy without sad. If you have never experienced healthy, all you can understand is what you are. Discovery opens the mind to infinite possibilities. Perhaps “I can’t” simply means “I don’t understand…” Now from this standpoint, people who balk at proper diet and exercise can be shown empathy. Having empathy for others helps us understand and help them rather than denouncing them as hopeless...

When people in the precontemplation stage seek help, it's often because of pressure from others. Another hallmark of the precontemplation stage is a feeling of embarrassment and demoralization. Imagine being embarrassed about your self-image! Would it be easier to dismiss it with a descriptive that removes the responsibility from yourself? “I cannot change…” is easier than admitting that you are embarrassed by your own actions and know you can change but feel powerless and helpless to do so. Now at the precontemplation stage there is a shift in thinking that opens the field of possibilities. 

In precontemplation you recognize that you may feel safe in this stage. You may not be happy about your situation, but at least it's familiar, and you know what to expect, even if that expectation is zero. The trick here is to allow yourself to identify these facets of your mindset, while at the same time, maintaining a nonjudgmental attitude toward yourself. Can I repeat that? Flipping the mindset from denial to precontemplation is tough because you might want to absorb the negative descriptives of those who don’t understand your plight. You are not lazy; you are simply uninformed. Lazy people can remain lazy, but the uninformed can just absorb some data and get to work. Stop with the negative self-denouncements… Stop saying I can’t and say, “I’m adjusting my attitude and absorbing the information I need to start!”

Even if you've tried to overcome your problem in the past and feel like you've botched it, please don't give up on yourself. Most people who have successful altered their behaviors have tried many times before they succeed. It's all part of the process. Truthfully, I have failed so many times that if you separated out my failures from my successes you would probably conclude that I am in fact, a total failure… I know you have heard it before, but Hank Aaron hit 755 home runs in his career with 12,356 at bat attempts… That is a 0.06% success rate at home run attempts... Michael Jordan hit a little less than half his attempted shots… I have successfully completed the grueling 13 week P90X3 system less than half the times I have attempted it. It took me literally years to defeat the demon of processed sugar and now that I have beaten it, I have great empathy for those who are trying to escape it. It took literal years of trying, failure, and educating myself before I found victory. The point is, if you aren’t failing, you’re not trying… 

So listen, stop beating yourself up… You are more than your problems. Show compassion towards yourself! Simply learning that precontemplation is a predictable part of the change cycle can reduce your doubt in yourself. You can take a big step in simply entertaining the idea that your life can be better. This glimmer of hope marks the possibility of a new beginning. New beginnings will certainly change the endgame for you.

Now I would like to excuse those who have learned something today and talk solely to those who are not trying when you clearly know better…

*glaring stare*

Get to work… I wasn't talking about you and you know it... You fucking know better and lying to yourselves is doing you no good…

Love you all! Mean it!!!

See you tomorrow!

90 Day Life Change Challenge Update…

I’m fucking killing it… I have some thoughts but I have to figure out how to be inspiring when I feel this good… I am experiencing bizarre changes in my physical brain like parts of it are waking up… Crazy shit I know… I will put words to it when I adjust… 

Day 24: The Miracle of Now... The Pivot Point of Endless Possibilities...

Today is my 24th Day of sobriety, exercise, meditation and guitar practice…  Today is the 24th day in a row that I have posted a blog… Today it is your turn to make yourself think… So take just a second of your day and:

1. Take a long and deep breath…

2. Think about someone who makes you smile…

3. Think about someone who gives you strength…

4. Think about someone who needs your help…

5. Be thankful for something…

Finally…Think about how much you ignore the moment of “now” in your life. Why are you always thinking about what happened, what’s going to happen and what could happen while totally ignoring what IS happening? I call it “the miracle of now” because really, life is a miracle and constantly ignoring a miracle makes it seem mundane and believe me, being alive isn’t mundane at all… Think about your existence, not your life, not your experience, but the very fact that you exist in a vast and empty universe and if that doesn’t cause you to stop and be thankful, you’re not doing it right. You have the opportunity to be kind, to help another, to learn and to leave something for the ones who will come after you. So if you are sitting on the couch watching endless television in the face of so much opportunity, then perhaps you might want to rethink that… Get off the couch because you have probably already seen the show you are binge watching anyway and if you haven’t seeing it through until the end it won’t be satisfying anyway and you already know that... 

 

So stop what you are doing… Just for a minute stop and feel, think and experience the right now of your life… The possibilities of your life are endless but they all originate from the right now, so explore it for a minute...

Love you all, I really mean it…

See you tomorrow…

Day 23: Intrusive Thoughts For Your Early Morning Passive Aggressive Workout Routine...

After 23 days of The 90 Day Life Change Challenge, this morning the realization that I have 63 days left to go kind of descended on me like a wet, woolen blanket thrown on a small fire...  After considering some past blogs about believing in yourself, I had to laugh at myself for considering that as useful this morning. These blogs are no more than an attempt to construct a taxonomy of terms that could be useful when looking to survive long term suffering whether that suffering is self inflicted like self improvement challenges or involuntary afflictions like chronic illness, convalescing, or addiction recovery. Believing that you can work out when your body is aching from extreme training, or believing that you can get through your day when you are hallucinating from withdrawal and detoxification is ridiculous and you can call me out on it. There has to be something that is much more profound than belief or motivation or discipline when it comes to tenacity. I think that surviving these moments have more to do with what comprises the mindset of the person. There are tons of descriptive words including: stamina, determination, resolve, etc… All these words touch upon the core definition but I don’t think any of them are a definitive designation of what we are talking about. Let’s talk about a couple of examples here. Stu Mittleman, a 49-year-old father of two ran and walked an average of 52 miles a day for 57 days covering 3,200 miles from San Diego, California to Central Park in New York City. That is two marathons every day, an average of 16 to 18 hours of running a day. This is a clear cut case of a self-inflicted intense exercise challenge that would bring about great suffering. A good example of an involuntary affliction would be to choose any number of stage four cancer survivors given a very low chance of survival and defying the odds; they surprise everyone and thrive after a time of being on the edge of death. What sets these people apart from the conventional person? Mr. Mittleman runs unbelievable numbers of miles daily. His 1,000 mile Ultra-marathon in 10 days was just a warm up for running through 11 states in less than two months. The cancer patient, who refuses to be called a victim and sets in for a long fight that is filled with pain, suffering, chemotherapy, hair loss, weakness and weight loss. What gives these people the edge over 99% of the population? Is it belief? Is it motivation? Perhaps discipline gives them that edge? I think there is something deeper here, something possibly indefinable. For some, life is just what it is, a daily flow of navigating issues, handling problems and reacting to the timeline they feel like they never chose. For others, life is far more than just surviving the endless days. Life is an ethos, a chosen, philosophical and purposeful experience. Challenges are a given and survived challenges are a badge of honor. 

This is about personal protocols. I refuse to say that “some people got it and some people don’t” because that would be exclusionary and would imply that this trait cannot be learned. In fact, I believe it is learned. I don’t have enough time to discuss the psychology of that but I will say that some people get knocked down and they just lie there and develop a “self pity” mentality and some people get knocked down and they bounce back wearing a t-shirt that’s says “FUCK CANCER.” As I mentioned previously some aspects of this resilience are learned in the experience itself but I think that at the core, it is innate and maybe just inactive in some personalities.  If they are in fact instinctive, then we all possess the ability to foster it within ourselves. 

The person receiving the news that they have some form of stage four cancer has some options in their choices for treatment, but here is the catch, they do not have options in the choice of their initial reaction and this may give us some insight. Most respond with shock, grief, fear and then go through the stages of grief and generally accept that the future is murky and they either decide to fight or accept the prognosis. Others accept the diagnosis and immediately reject the prognosis. “You have “X” amount of months to live” has been said to quite a few people. Some accept that and make that their goal, others just say, “fuck you, you don’t know who you’re talking to.” The difference? Well, you can accept what the expert says and shoot for planning your life around the “final” three months, put your affairs in order, say your goodbyes and resign yourself to making it to 90 days… Then we have the other… They go to war immediately.   Like they are in the middle of one of those World War II movies where the planes are attacking the boat, the sirens are going off, and everybody is jumping out of their bunks and rushing on deck and all sorts of explosives are going off all over the place. The “gee whiz, what am I gonna do?” isn’t a consideration, because immediate reaction of survival kicks in. Call it resilience, toughness or simply the “I am not a victim” approach to life. 

Now, I said all that to say this. You have the ability to overcome built in. These are extreme examples of learned resilience but we learn from them and are able to apply them to everyday life by asking ourselves questions like: Mittleman ran 3,200 miles in 57 days, so why can’t I go to the gym three times a week? Or we can look at the Stage Four Cancer survivor and realize just how resilient humans can be. These are our examples and we may not be able to withstand the enormous amount of effort it takes to emulate them, we can do better than we are doing. 

I want to be one of those examples. Every day, I push myself to exercise extremes that I would not expect from anyone other than me. This is my experience, no one else. I don’t expect you to get up at 0530 at the ass crack of dawn to work out for an hour. I don’t think that everyone should map a 90 Day Life Change Challenge that incorporates every aspect of their physical, psychological and intellectual being. This isn’t for everyone, I know that… However, I do believe that most humans are not living up to the potential that THEY KNOW THEY HAVE… Yeah, sorry to point that out but your greasy little fingers give you away even if you hid the chicken nugget box under some paper towels in the trash can… You know what else gives you away even more? Your absolute dismissal of people who excel by telling yourself that “that’s just too much…” or “Yeah, some people have it and some don’t…” The reality is although I am over-performing, you (yeah, you…) are underperforming and not living up to your potential. How do I know? Every day, you plan on doing it later… You want to read more, you want to start walking or initiate Meatless Monday in your life. You plan on making more time for yourself, or for your kids, you feel guilty that you’re not doing these things… Hate to be the asshole who points out your shortcomings but when you know that your weight is out of control and you “plan” on doing something while your life and health suffer then maybe you should listen to yourself. I will take the hit and you can call me an asshole, tell me to mind my own business and I will absorb that “fuck off” because I stopped taking shit personally when I started taking responsibility for myself… Your negative reaction gives you away. Funny how that works… Eventually I want to write about how accepting criticism is actually a good thing. You don’t react negatively to criticism that isn’t true… If you called me lazy I would laugh… That’s a ridiculous accusation. Now if you called me overbearing I would consider that. I know my methods are profane and unorthodox and some might take them as officious or even a personal attack. Maybe I need to consider my approach and consider my audience. 

I am not condoning personal attacks here; let me make that perfectly clear. Calling someone names is not criticism.  “You are a selfish pig!” “You are a disgusting person!” “You are stupid and incompetent!” are all ignorant, cruel and unacceptable. If you are ever at the receiving end of such criticisms, try to realize that there is something wrong with the critic—with the person dishing out those remarks—not with you. A rational, grounded, sensible person does not resort to character assassination. Hence, whenever someone criticizes excessively in a hostile manner, consider that there is something psychologically wrong with them. Indeed, these irrational, ad hominem statements reveal a lot about the critic and nothing about the person being attacked. 

So when I say that people need to eat better, exercise more, sleep more and stop destructive habits, it is based on science, data, holistic heath ideals as well as personal experience. My recommendations aren’t random declarations or a personal attack.  

David Goggins, the extreme athlete that I mention every so often says that he has the 40% rule when it comes to judging endurance. He says that when you think that you can’t go any further, you’re actually only at about 40% max. I know, I know, that sounds extreme. Maybe he is insane, maybe not, but I have noticed in exploring that thought that it has merit… Not just physically, but emotionally and psychologically as well. Because I came to that realization, I can push further, withstand more and my endurance seemingly has no limits. 

This morning for example… Tired, sore, demoralized and kinda pissed off became realization, understanding, acceptance and then performance… There was no quit in me just because I wasn’t feeling like exercising. Granted, my performance was not world class this morning but somewhere in the middle of my first workout, I laughed at myself because I knew that regardless of how I felt, I would finish because I gave myself no choice. 

I am at war with myself, nothing else… When I want to beat my last time, it’s simply me competing against me. The vegan diet, the drug and alcohol abstinence, the extreme exercise and the 90 Day Life Challenge is my battle against mediocrity. It’s perfectly okay to be average but not all of us accept that. You don’t have to if you don’t want to. Holding your life up in contrast to others is not the right thing to do but you can admire those that push their limits because they become the examples of human potential. The intelligent approach is comparing yourself to the person you were last week. Make a plan to become a better you and then mark the calendar… Then compare and contrast you then to the present you as you travel the timeline towards your goal. You all know the drill, make it SMART… Specific, Measurable, Attainable, Relevant and Time Bound… Google that one because I have bored you long enough and if you read this far and still like me, congratulations, you’re self aware… Now fucking get to work…

Still love you, all of you… Mean it!

See you tomorrow… 

Day 22: There is Always Time to Do It Right the Second Time...

Tell the truth... Who among us has been putting together a desk, dresser, bed, or other piece of pressboard furniture from our favorite outlet and it didn't quite work as it should or didn’t quite line up correctly because you either weren't paying attention or didn't follow the instructions and thought "fuck it, good enough..." only to later regret it? In fact, who among us knew we would regret it and went ahead and did it anyway? How often has something broken and even though you had the time to fix it and the skill set to do it, you cobbled it back together and let it go only to come back and be forced to repair it correctly? I’m not just referring to a door hinge or a piece of furniture you fucked up accidentally on purpose… I’m talking about a report for work that you try to slip in and it gets rejected, or a recipe that specifically states that it requires 45 minutes that you try to finish in 20 and end up wasting and hour and throwing out the inedible food… This is a result of the “gotta have it now” culture we live in… We have become a civilization where instant gratification is far more important than quality or a job well done. Building 100 miles of shitty fence in a week is far better than building ½ that in the same amount of time, until of course your cows are scattered to the wind and you have to take the next month rounding them up while simultaneously repairing the shitty fence… Which is better in the long run? Which costs far more energy, time and money to fix…? I build fence at ½ the rate that others do, but mine doesn’t fail immediately. See how that works?

Let’s say you write reports at work and they have specific qualities that must be within the structure of that report. Now, in addition to that, these reports are what generate capital for your business. Instead of taking the time to think carefully about your words and making doubly sure each report meets the even the minimum standards set by the guidelines, you rush through, guess when you should investigate and you end up turning in really shitty reports. The thing is you know you’re doing it, unless of course you are in such denial that you’re blind to your own instincts. The numbers look good on the surface… As an employee, you look like you’re meeting the standards set out before you but dig down and your report goes in for a review and then rejected, then kicked back to you and guess what, yep, you’re doing it twice… So what should have been written carefully, reviewed, and qualified for payment becomes:

Written poorly – reviewed – rejected – returned – re-written – re-reviewed – accepted

On top of that, now your reports are going to be scrutinized which puts you in an awkward place with your employer… So you’re telling me that you don’t have enough time to write them correctly when you certainly have time to do them twice?

Now look, I’m not fucking perfect by any means. In fact, this particular piece of writing was born out my just accomplished mounting of the television in my bedroom… Well, the second round of hanging the television in my bedroom… The first attempt was, um… Well not a total failure, it never fell off the wall… Completely anyway…  Story goes like this…

Like anyone with half a brain, I mounted the television mount and attached the television properly making sure that the expensive piece of equipment would not be damaged by any stupidity of my own doing… Then, because I took my time to do that part right, I was running out of time to finish the job so I rushed that second half… Instead of screws for the power strip, I used double sided tape… Yeah, I know… Go ahead and laugh because we all know where this is going… Gets even better when I tell you the double sided tape was from The Dollar Tree… Yeah now, you are laughing… I could actually hear the take coming loose the more weight I plugged into the power strip... You know that little tearing sound that cheap tape makes as it slowly fails… I “readjusted” it a few times before I finished up all the while knowing I was going to have do it again…

So last night I am watching a scary movie in the dark and the creaking sound is coming from the television area and I was trying to figure out what it was and the tape failed and everything that was plugged into it came crashing down behind the television, jerked the clock off the wall and scared the fuck out of me in the process… So I had to get up at 10:00 PM last night and tuck, stuff, balance and readjust wires, plugs, clocks and power strips back up behind the television… Why? BECAUSE I DIDN’T TAKE 5 MINUTES TO PUT IN TWO SCREWS RATHER THAN USE SHITTY TWO SIDED TAPE TO HANG A HEAVY OBJECT PERMANENTLY…. Yeah, a saved five minutes cost me a heart attack, a broken audio cable and an hour or so today to put it all back together correctly.

Thanks Grandpa… Maybe you should have hit me while telling me that there is always time to do a job right the second time…. Instead you laughed and I took it as half joke / half life lesson and it has cost me quite a bit of time and money throughout my life… Now, if I even think “there isn’t enough time to do that…” I will schedule it for later or do the job right and if it takes three days to get back to it, it takes three days to get back to it…

Next weekend I am going to replace the headlights, running lights and tail lights in my truck… Why next week? Because I was unfucking the job I hurried through last week on the television…

I knew better, that’s what really fucking pisses me off… I don’t care about the broken cable or even the time it takes to redo the job a second time… There is still a level of satisfaction that I did it right the second time. The thing that bothers me is I knew better. I saw that left hook, considered the damage the left hook would do to me and I leaned into it and even turned my chin up just so the punch would take me out… I even thought, I will put screws in this later because this tape isn’t going to hold and I cannot for the life of me figure out why I continued. The screws were in the garage in a place where I keep screws. I have three tool sets with screwdrivers that I know where they are. I didn’t have to go on a screw finding quest or sell my body for a screwdriver… It was all available to me and yet, I said “I will do it right later…” Unbelievable but true and very common among all of us…

You don’t need to fight a tiger to get the guidelines for your report… They are probably in your desk and if you’re too lazy or disorganized to find them, there is more than likely a system setup for you to ask a question… It’s called email...

Yet with all of this in place… We guess, we tape, we know it will fail and we pretend that it’s fine…

Good enough is never good enough… Listen, the ONLY time that good enough is good enough is when you are giving it all you have with the tools you are given to work with… That’s it… When you aren’t doing your best, it’s not good enough. When you get something back to do again, or something you half assed fails then you didn’t do it right… If you aren’t surprised to watch it fail or have it returned for rewriting then guess who is the idiot?

Let us take a minute here to thank the FAA for putting in place a system where the employees can’t say “Well… It’s good enough, put the passengers on board and fly it, we will fix it correctly later…”  The mechanics on a jetliner count the bolts coming off and going back on for a reason… There is no such thing as “pocket bolts” on a commercial jet engine repair… You know, the bolts left over when you “fix” something, have no idea where they came from, or in even better scenarios, you DO know where they go and it’s somewhere deep inside the project you just “finished” and you look at them and just put them in your pocket…

So look, slow down… Do it correctly and you will do it once… When you are tired from building the dresser and it’s time to attach it to the wall, then finish the project or set it aside so people cannot hurt themselves on it… Otherwise you will pull the dresser off your toddler and then explaining to the doctor that you didn’t have time to attach it to the wall… Yeah, that isn’t funny… Not only it isn’t funny, it’s your fault… Not IKEA, not Wal-Mart… The screws and straps are in those things for a reason, they’re not “pocket pieces”…

It’s also not funny to lose your job when you are clearly underperforming… You can blame it on your employer if you want, but in the end, when your mind starts slipping from Alzheimer’s, you will pull your grandchild off to the side and explain that you lost a job once because you didn’t do the TPS Reports to the standards.. He won’t have a clue what you’re talking about, but the truth always comes out…

Woke up this morning and absolutely dominated the 90 Day Life Change Challenge… ½ Murph, P90X3 Total Synergistics, plank and meditation… Since I wrote the lion’s share of this yesterday it was easy to finish during my lunch…

Straight killin’ it, yo…

Have an afternoon and listen, don’t be dumb when you’re in a hurry, either slow down, or postpone because having to do shit over is 99 times out of 100, your fault…

Love you to death… All of you… Mean it…

See you on Day 23…