So which one is worse? Standing around waiting for someone to actually go first or just saying “screw it” and being first?
For those of you closer to my age, you can probably relate to this story, for the rest of you, watch some coming of age movie like Porky’s and maybe you can get over the horror of what I am about to tell you…
I promise, this psychologically disturbing example has merit…
I entered junior high school in 1977… Good old Fickett Junior High School in Tucson, Arizona… After Phys Ed (Physical Education where we actually did shit that many of us got injured and nobody called a lawyer…) we were required to shower… Together… Naked… No, really, I’m not joking… You are getting ready to learn why the modern gym locker room is filled with older people walking around naked like it’s totally fucking normal…
So there we stood, 50 or so 13-14 year old's in their underwear waiting for someone to go first… I still remember the incredibly awkward, uncomfortable silence and the coach stepping out from his office and yelling, and no I am not kidding, “Alright ladies, get in the shower! Class ain’t waiting on you! Let’s go!” Then he stepped back into his office and appeared at the window that his office had to keep a watch on the locker room… Talk about fucking weird… Then I clearly remember doing something that made me the person that I am today…
I dropped the shorts, grabbed the bar of Ivory Soap (Body wash hadn't been invented yet...) with a washcloth and towel and walked into that shower like it was normal… Slowly the trickle of boys entering the shower grew until it was just two or three left standing in the locker room and one kid absolutely refusing to enter… He went home with a note and I still wonder to this day what that conversation looked like at that dinner table…
“So Mr. Bluth tells me you didn’t join the naked parade this afternoon, Johnny…” Being a parent in the seventies was probably pretty strange… Now you can call someone when your kid is traumatized, back then, you punished them for it….
So yeah, that was the day I became the idiot that goes first… First down the slide, first on the dance floor, first dude to jump out the door of the plane, first in line for the bungee jump, first guy to answer questions at a seminar… You get the idea… The fucker you either wish would shut up or the guy you wish you were… Now look, I’m not fearless by any means… You really think that standing there on that August day in 1977 that I couldn’t wait to take off my underwear in a group of strangers and walk naked through the crowd to be the first guy to shower? Seriously, I was fucking mortified but it didn’t have anything to do with the situation, it had everything to do with alleviating that feeling of fear… Yeah, how about that? When I am suited up and am waiting for the plane to gain altitude, I know what’s about to happen… Truth is I love the feeling of overcoming fear… There is sensation of power in it… I am seriously shitting in my jumpsuit and the look of bravado and jokes about death? Well, that’s just the way I deal with it… Dropping my 1970’s tightey whities and entering that shower clicked something in my brain that day that gave me the edge… I will jump, I mean fuck it, the death rate is lower than driving a car and I do that multiple times a day, so why not?
Overcoming your fear is the key to feeling better… Courage isn’t about having no fear. Do you think those men who stormed the beach at Normandy weren’t afraid? They were storming the beach with the enemy having the tactical advantage of elevation on them and they knew it. They knew a lot of them were going to die. There are tons of stories out there about similar situations where fear is the norm, crying and shitting your pants is perfectly fine, but failure to overcome that fear is not an option…
So what about if I do have the option? I’ve seen a lot of people let fear overtake and conquer them. I didn’t blame them, because some people just aren’t ready yet… They get talked into doing something and at the last second, right at the edge of the leap, they flake… I have jumped off everything from The Hog Hollow Bridge in Lewis County, West Virginia to cliffs in Sabino Canyon outside of Tucson, Arizona… I have also watched many people step up to the edge, take a look and then back out…
I often wonder about those people though, what happens after that moment when fear overtook them? Do they wish they would have gone?
So listen, today is about taking chances and I don’t mean chances with your life and I certainly don’t mean walking naked through the gym locker room and having conversations about your investments while you drag a towel between your ass cheeks… That’s creepy… Unless you’re into it I guess…
First, stop looking at people like me and wondering how I hang off of a rope on the side of a mountain, or leap out of a plane… I am an idiot, just that simple… I don’t mind being an idiot, hell, I walked around naked in seventh grade in front of grown men strategically called “coach” standing in picture windows watching… I can’t really explain what that does to a pubescent teen mind, but it I try not to think about it…
Instead of something obviously only an idiot would attempt, let’s look at something simpler, more basic. How about the fears of interacting with someone you don’t know, say, during a work training. Everyone is putting in their two cents and there are always a couple of people who are silent unless prompted and when they are prompted, you can feel their discomfort. Their fear is palpable and the relief when they are done is felt throughout the room….
It may take a few meetings but instead of letting your fear silence you, do this as an alternative:
1. Feel your fear… Experience it from a deeper standpoint than simple emotions. Try to step back from it and look at it. What I am feeling from a mental aspect? What am I feeling from a physical standpoint? Remember, fear is a survival instinct. It is a signal that something is wrong and protects us from danger and allows us to survive. The problem is, your mind often doesn’t know the difference between an existential threat - such as a saber tooth tiger who is about to attack you, and a non-existential threat, like the fear of being embarrassed or rejected. To your mind, it’s all the same. Something is wrong. There is a threat to your safety and you feel scared. By looking at your fear analytically, you can sort out if the threat is existential or non-existential. Denying your fears will only allow them to have more power over you - Let yourself feel your fear instead of pushing it away or avoiding it, and observe what being afraid feels like.
2. The definition of “embrace” plays out as: “To accept or support willingly and enthusiastically - to take in or include as a part, item, or element of a more inclusive whole.” Once you feel the fear, you need to embrace it. Yeah, I’m suggesting to you to accept it willingly AND embrace it enthusiastically. For the love of God, Why? Because fear is your friend... Remember, the feeling of fear is hard-wired in us. If Glonk the Cave Dude wasn’t afraid of Mr. Saber Tooth, then human beings would not have evolved… Fear is there to protect us. Once you embrace that fear and accept it will ALWAYS be present in some form, then you can stop wasting time trying to ‘overcome’ or ‘get rid’ of it and start spending time learning how to understand, manage and work through it. Fear is your buddy, and let me tell you, whether I am jumping out of a perfectly good airplane or psyching myself out to teach a wellness class at work, the fear is there. Fear keeps me in check and helps me pay attention to safety, security and focus.
3. Once you’ve identified the fear as non-existential and embraced it, then you can move on to the best part: Acting on your fear… Aristotle believed the cure for fear was to act in virtuous ways, including being courageous. Too often, we let anxiety, overwhelm, and fear overcome us until we’re totally paralyzed and can’t do anything at all. How often have we sat there, with a perfectly good question knowing it would be great to ask, yet we sit there? Then somebody asks the question we had and the moment is gone, and your fear overtook and conquered you. How did that feel?
One of the only ways to overcome fear is to act. Action creates further action; momentum creates further momentum. So, once you take one step, you’ll start building the confidence and the courage to take the next. I mean, when you succeed, you want to succeed again! Right?!?!?! Like I have said before in this blog, feeling good makes you feel good and repeated success actions lead to repeated success actions.
Remember, sometimes the risk of not taking action is actually greater than the risk of moving forward. Take a look at the risks or issues if you don’t start something new or take a risk to chase your dreams. What would happen? What would the outcome look like 3, 6, or 12 months from now? Is that outcome greater than the risk associated with jumping in and building the life of your dreams? Are you making those fears much worse than they actually are? For me, I’d always rather face an ocean of fear than a mountain of regret.
4. Finally, step four… REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT… Ask a question a meeting, nod and say thank you… Next meeting, do some research and ask a question… Pretty soon, you will that person who talks at meetings… Like Glonk let his fear made him act in a struggle to survive, let your fear of embarrassment lead you to act to ask questions and be a part of your team! Your fear is natural, embrace it and use it to shine.
Alright then, let’s tie all this stuff together… Travel back in time with me and ask how a scared kid in a locker room used steps he didn’t even know to mitigate anxiety he didn’t know he had…
First, I knew that this wasn’t a threat to my existence. It was a locker room and although I had feared this moment from the first time one of the older kids let it drop that everyone showered after Phys Ed, I knew I wasn’t going to die… So I was experiencing fear and anxiety and all kinds of stuff you can sue the fuck out of someone for in the modern world, so what?… Secondarily was the fear that not doing it could be worse because going home to face a step parent that wasn’t in the mood to deal with me for not following the rules was a bigger fear… So the outcome of not acting was worse than not overcoming my fear in the moment.
After analyzing, acknowledging and accepting that I was afraid, I hooked my thumbs in the waistband and took a deep breath and acted… There was an audible collective relief that someone had acted. Now overcoming fear is a funny thing… I had courage in that moment and courage leads to self confidence… I waltzed through the locker room like I owned it… It was one of those coming of age moments that I will never forget, have never really ever talked about it before now and since then I have been courageous and occasionally audacious because of it… Being fearless is a lie… No one is fearless unless your amygdala is malfunctioning… Entertaining that fear is the problem… Not acting ensconces it and repeated failure to overcome your fear makes it a part of your personality.
Fear of skydiving isn’t a fear of heights and it isn’t about dying… “Heights” ends at the third floor and becomes something else entirely… When you can see the patchwork construct of the planet, that isn’t “heights”, that’s called altitude… Fear of dying during skydiving isn’t valid… According to the United States Parachuting Association, there are an estimated 3 million jumps per year, and the fatality count is average of only 21. That's a 0.0007% chance of dying from a skydive, compared to a 0.0167% chance of dying in a car accident (based on driving 10,000 miles). If death was truly your fear, you wouldn’t drive, fly in a plane or even leave your house for that matter… To drive that home, think about this… There are 5 million rock climbs completed yearly and 30 people get killed, compare that to the low percentage of shark attack fatalities and other activities that people claim that death is their main concern… It isn’t death, it’s the fear of the unknown. The fear of fear… I am not ridiculing anyone, nor am I asking anyone to gear up, buckle up and shuffle to the door for a 15,000 foot freefall either, but I am questioning your fear of daily life. Yes, I am aware that some people have serious psychological issues and phobias that need medical attention, therapy and long term treatment. I know that, I work with them, have friends who suffer from it and am well aware of the seriousness of the issue…
Again, for clarity I am not speaking to them… I’m talking to the general public who has a fear of bringing attention to themselves in any way. The people who function just below the radar screen, afraid to speak up, afraid to ask questions…
My advice? Go do something you wouldn’t normally do… You don’t have to be a daredevil, but I am asking you to creep up to the edge, feel your fear and at the very least consider the endless possibilities of that moment… Raise your hand at the meeting, ask a question, swallow the lump in your throat, nod, thank them for their response, then excuse yourself, go into the bathroom and throw up if you have to… Try to hold on to the feelings of triumph as you throw up, it gets better the more you practice, I promise…
So there ya go, this blog had it all… Frightened, naked and wet teenagers, war heroes, cliff jumping, cavemen and advice on overcoming your fears… Why wouldn’t you want to read it? Even if you didn’t get much out of it, you now understand the 60 year old guys walking around the gym locker room naked like they’re strolling through the mall… They were traumatized as children by sadistic, peeping tom coaches threatening them by calling them ladies… Yeah, I know… I didn’t want to say anything but, it felt okay to talk about it and now I feel a little less traumatized, but I’m still going first, so stay out of my way…
Love ya, honestly mean it…
See you tomorrow…
Oh yeah, update on the 90 Day Life Change Challenge… Pretty much all done today, I woke up at 0530 and after the hellish workout yesterday, (I did 252 pushups and 104 pull-ups in 50 minutes…) I was more than a little sore and in need of some extra healing, so I slept in… til 7:15 and then I got up and knocked another exercise day out of the ball park…
Still thinking about how to talk about all the changes in my life without sounding magnanimous… I will figure it out…
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