Day 48: What Do I Do When I Fail?

This morning was a SPECTACULAR fail… I overslept 2 hours and 12 minutes, rising from my sarcophagus of sleep at 7:42 AM… After ten straight days of 100%, yesterday I forgot to take my vitamins and did not meditate until 7:30 last night which led to being wide awake and staying up late and when the alarm went off this morning, part of me said, “get up” but the majority of me overruled that with a hardy “fuck off…” and that part of me was so persuasive, I listened…

Upon analysis of my multiple fails I have to blame it on getting a new guitar… I take my vitamins at lunch and I skipped lunch to go pick up the instrument… That leads to eating lunch at my desk, forgetting my vitamins because I changed my schedule…  I delayed meditation for the same reason… Instead of meditation, I spent my writing time yesterday morning online looking at pictures of the guitar I was going to order… Then, my plans to catch everything up after work turned into a marathon guitar practice… So none of this was my fault, it was that siren song of that evil guitar… It’s over there in the corner grinning at me right now… I will be playing it later I’m sure but at this point right now, the tips of my fingers are so sore I have to type like I have three inch long fake nails to keep from wincing…

Two things here…

Primarily, it is not the fault of the new guitar; it’s the fault of the guy with the new guitar who reacted like a child at Christmas who got what he wanted… Just wanted to make that clear and maintain the continuity of the last seven weeks where I consistently have stated time and time again, that blaming outside influences for personal failures simply does not work… “I” chose to re-arrange my schedule so that “I” could do what “I” wanted rather than follow the schedule that would have lead to my success… Instead of waiting until I was off work and had plenty of time to go get the guitar, “I” used the time for reserved for my challenges as wish time and then “my” lunch hour for picking it up instead of eating my lunch normally. No one forced my hand, there was no emergency and circumstances were absolutely chosen by me to set myself up for failure… Small fails yes, but I take full responsibility for them… 

So what do we do when we fail?

These were small… I forgot to take a vitamin, meditated too late and overslept… Pretty much insignificant when you stand back and look at the scope of The 90 Day Life Change Challenge.  But what do we do when our failure is more like a collapse of the system that supported our goals? When the diet gets ignored for a week, when the workout comes to a halt or that system we put in place to succeed at writing simply closes down? What then?

Well… The first thing we do is evaluate the failure and find out the who, what, when, where and why of the malfunction…

Who is at fault? What is the failure? When did I go wrong? Where does this leave me in relation to my goals? What is my plan now? These are actually standard, easy questions to answer if you are honest and truly want to succeed… Answering these questions honestly will give you some insight into your behaviors and why your goals aren’t being pursued…  If it turns out that your will is broken at work when there are donuts in the break room, that could easily be solved by avoiding the break room at least until you have the strength in yourself to not break down and reach for the donuts, leftover cake and bowl of free candy on the table… If you have trouble at night watching television, you could adjust by removing the offending food from your house which by the way, if you cannot control yourself, you should have gotten rid of it when you started… Leaving liquor in the pantry and a bag of weed in the drawer when you have no self control is, well, it’s stupid… If you left them there knowing you might give in to temptation, then you probably didn’t mean to succeed anyway… 

So what next? I have evaluated my malfunction, taken responsibility and am ready to try again… Here is what I do…

1. First and foremost I have learned to have a more flexible mindset. This does not mean I allow myself to cheat, but it gives me the opportunity to let me slip without turning it into an all out downhill slide back to where I started...  When you are rigidly trying to stick to a plan or achieve a goal, and things don’t go according to plan, then you feel like crap and things can get quickly derailed. Rearrange your schedule periodically to take away that feeling of rigidity, move your exercise to the afternoon if you are a morning person, spread out your self- improvement tasks  over the day so that you don’t feel rushed or pressured. If you have a more flexible mindset, and think, “I might not be able to go according to plan but that’s OK because things change,” then it’s not a disaster when you get off track momentarily and it doesn’t lead to quitting. There’s no single track that you have to stay on because this is your journey.

2. Realize that every attempt to change is about learning. When you fail, that’s actually really good information. Before you failed, you made a prediction that something would work, but then real-world information and experience came in that told you that it didn’t work. That means you now know something now that you didn’t know before. That’s excellent. Now you can adjust your plan, figure something new out, try a new method and keep learning, keep adjusting and keep going towards your goal. A donut isn’t a catastrophe; two weeks’ worth of donuts is…

3. Ask for help. When I’m struggling with something and I want to give up, I can figure out a better way by reaching out to experts, those who have the experience of meeting similar goals. They might give me simple, obvious, “why didn’t I see that?” advice that I need, or brilliant tips, or accountability. Sometimes I need encouragement but sometimes I just need a swift kick in my lazy ass… When I need encouragement, I ask my wife, a friend or some trusted family member… When I need a swift kick in the ass, I seek out my favorite motivational speaker David Goggins who will tell me to stop fucking whining… I usually need him more than I need encouragement, but we are all different and different things motivate us… Find your people, utilize them when you have to but listen, never accept advice from anyone who tells you that it’s okay to stop pursuing your goals… When you hear someone say, well, maybe you should just quit, or take a break, use that lazy attitude that they are handing you as fuel for your fire… They just want company in their failure to succeed… Then again, if you are a recovering addict who turns to an old addict friend for advice, you may not want success; you might want an excuse… Pick your team wisely, that’s the best advice I can give you…

4. Give yourself a break. If you fail, get back up, dust off, take a minute to regroup and then give yourself credit for getting back up and get on with the task at hand… Everybody fails, everybody hurts and everyone feels disheartened once in a while… Everyone fails but only the best of us can get back up for the tenth time… Perseverance is a learned skill that only comes from repeated practice. 

5. I remind myself why my goals are important. It’s easy to give up on something, because not doing it is always easier. Think about this; giving up means you’re losing something important, your goals, and I know my personal reasons for doing something aren’t just selfish, and I can renew my vigor for the struggle. I want to be the best person that I can be for myself, my children, my wife, my co-workers and for the world I live in. Being the best version of me isn’t selfish; it’s a gift to everyone around me. This alone is often enough to get me going when I fall…

I realize that I’m far from perfect, and that the guilty secrets I hide inside myself are no different than anyone else’s. We all are alike in so many ways, and every week I get emails and texts of the stories of the successes and failure of trying to meet goals and you know, I relate to every single one of them. My seven year journey to become better has had more ups and downs than a rollercoaster. Monumental fails, exciting triumphs and crushing defeats and every one of them met with the same, focused attitude… Keep going… While we all share the commonality of failing to live up to our better nature, we also share the bond of being able to start again.

So start again.

The 90 Day Life Change Challenge update… I just did that… I’m back on track… Cannot hit 100% this week but I can next week…

I love you all like an orthodontist loves crooked teeth and I will see you tomorrow because not only have I not given myself a choice, I want to…

Have a great day and get up off your lazy ass and get started… And if it helps you get moving, please…