I’m reminded of many situations in which people have had discussions with me about diet, exercise, lifestyle choices, etc… Due to my ambitions to see just how far I can push myself to find my limits, I often hear the final nail in the coffin that many people ascribe to their own fate. The fatal blow? “Oh I could never do that…” Whole food plant based vegan? Oh I could never do that… 0530 exercise? Oh, I could never do that… Meditation? Oh, I could never do that… I completely understand what is going on here, but I think we all need to rethink “I can’t…” I like to think that you can and you’re just not quite ready. For example, a doctor sends someone in for help in losing weight or quitting smoking. A husband urges his wife to go to therapy because she has panic attacks and won’t go many places. A wife urges her husband to change because she thinks he drinks too much. Parents advise their adult child who has severe social anxiety and won’t look for a job to get help. What do all these people have in common? The decision that they needed help was concluded by someone other than them. In most cases, when asked if they could change their behaviors, the comprehensive answer would be “I can’t…”
Now what is the problem with “I can’t” when it is your go to response? The serious problem with this mindset is that is has zero potential for change and zero possibility for success. An “I can’t” mindset leaves no room for even consideration that there could be change in the future. This fatalistic attitude is a miserable approach to your problems and by giving yourself no choice to change, you back yourself into a corner and while this may feel safe one some levels, taking away your own freedom to make future decisions deeply affects your emotional wellbeing.
Honestly, when you look at things like exercise, are you being authentic with the ins and outs of your lethargy? Usually “can’t” means “I can’t work out as hard as you…” Now that simple reframe changes the whole landscape, doesn’t it? Of course you can’t work out as hard as someone who has been exercising for years… But how do we change over from “I can’t” to “I can’t go that hard…” or “I’m not ready to change…” or even “I don’t want to…” When you say “I don’t want to” you still give yourself the freedom to change later.
I want to give you a pathway out of your impossibilities and give you possibilities… In the world of psychology, it’s a theory called “precontemplation” and getting there is effortless…
Prior to precontemplation is denial… People in denial are easy to spot and use terms like:
This is just how I am.
I don't have a problem.
What's the point?
I can’t… (When obviously, just about anyone could…)
Precontemplation is self-defined. It’s the thoughts before you contemplate the change. The thoughts before the thoughts… (Sorry, as a student of philosophy, I can’t resist references to thinking about thing… Self referentials are illegal as hell in descriptives but sometimes it’s all we have… ) People in precontemplation can seem like they're still in denial. We ask, “why doesn't he simply admit he has a problem?” Family members, colleagues and friends complain. It's true, denial can play a role in the precontemplation stage; however, it's often related to lack of information. For example, in the case of anxiety, people may not know they have disorder that is highly treatable. People with out of control appetites don’t realize that small adjustments lead to big changes over time.
People who have eaten improperly and never exercised have no idea how it feels to feel healthy. The state of being that they currently know is all they know. Humans are binary creatures and communicate effectively only with dual descriptives. I cannot describe light without darkness, up without down or happy without sad. If you have never experienced healthy, all you can understand is what you are. Discovery opens the mind to infinite possibilities. Perhaps “I can’t” simply means “I don’t understand…” Now from this standpoint, people who balk at proper diet and exercise can be shown empathy. Having empathy for others helps us understand and help them rather than denouncing them as hopeless...
When people in the precontemplation stage seek help, it's often because of pressure from others. Another hallmark of the precontemplation stage is a feeling of embarrassment and demoralization. Imagine being embarrassed about your self-image! Would it be easier to dismiss it with a descriptive that removes the responsibility from yourself? “I cannot change…” is easier than admitting that you are embarrassed by your own actions and know you can change but feel powerless and helpless to do so. Now at the precontemplation stage there is a shift in thinking that opens the field of possibilities.
In precontemplation you recognize that you may feel safe in this stage. You may not be happy about your situation, but at least it's familiar, and you know what to expect, even if that expectation is zero. The trick here is to allow yourself to identify these facets of your mindset, while at the same time, maintaining a nonjudgmental attitude toward yourself. Can I repeat that? Flipping the mindset from denial to precontemplation is tough because you might want to absorb the negative descriptives of those who don’t understand your plight. You are not lazy; you are simply uninformed. Lazy people can remain lazy, but the uninformed can just absorb some data and get to work. Stop with the negative self-denouncements… Stop saying I can’t and say, “I’m adjusting my attitude and absorbing the information I need to start!”
Even if you've tried to overcome your problem in the past and feel like you've botched it, please don't give up on yourself. Most people who have successful altered their behaviors have tried many times before they succeed. It's all part of the process. Truthfully, I have failed so many times that if you separated out my failures from my successes you would probably conclude that I am in fact, a total failure… I know you have heard it before, but Hank Aaron hit 755 home runs in his career with 12,356 at bat attempts… That is a 0.06% success rate at home run attempts... Michael Jordan hit a little less than half his attempted shots… I have successfully completed the grueling 13 week P90X3 system less than half the times I have attempted it. It took me literally years to defeat the demon of processed sugar and now that I have beaten it, I have great empathy for those who are trying to escape it. It took literal years of trying, failure, and educating myself before I found victory. The point is, if you aren’t failing, you’re not trying…
So listen, stop beating yourself up… You are more than your problems. Show compassion towards yourself! Simply learning that precontemplation is a predictable part of the change cycle can reduce your doubt in yourself. You can take a big step in simply entertaining the idea that your life can be better. This glimmer of hope marks the possibility of a new beginning. New beginnings will certainly change the endgame for you.
Now I would like to excuse those who have learned something today and talk solely to those who are not trying when you clearly know better…
*glaring stare*
Get to work… I wasn't talking about you and you know it... You fucking know better and lying to yourselves is doing you no good…
Love you all! Mean it!!!
See you tomorrow!
90 Day Life Change Challenge Update…
I’m fucking killing it… I have some thoughts but I have to figure out how to be inspiring when I feel this good… I am experiencing bizarre changes in my physical brain like parts of it are waking up… Crazy shit I know… I will put words to it when I adjust…
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