Day 46: Your Anger is Weighing you Down: Let It Go....

"Anger and intolerance are the enemies are the enemies of correct understanding." - Mahatma Gandhi

It feels like that each and every day, we blame other people for our frustrations, our lack of happiness and most of our problems…  They irritate us, don’t do things the right way, they drive too slow, or too fast, are incompetent, rude, inconsiderate, not organized, too organized, not doing enough, or doing way too much, boring, uncaring, unkind and just generally fucking irritating. We are irritated if the line is too long, we should have chosen another line… Suddenly the young mother in front of us has a WIC issue and it is all we can do not to explode, because after all we have been in this fucking line for what seems like the entire afternoon… 

Always on the verge of being angry, or upset. We are upset about being upset and yet, we will always be frustrated if we stick to this mindset. Without self realization about it, we will always be angry, offended, hurt or disappointed. There will be no end to the offenses humanity can take against us, as long as we decide that everyone else is wrong, all the time.

I have this theory about people that they don’t know why they are unhappy. Like children, they don’t know what to do with their feelings and so, like children they explode about some nonsensical thing and suddenly “that” thing has to be the problem when in fact, the real problem is avoided…

In their mind, they’re not the problem. They are never the problem; it’s always outside forces, occurrences, or some other person…

Have you ever lived with an unhappy person? Better yet, have you ever blown up at your partner or significant other over something like they put the spoons in the drawer wrong and before you know it, someone screams “you’re just like your fucking mother!!!!!” and then the insults fly and something that wasn’t the actual problem unleashes the issues that have been buried for weeks, months or even years… How the hell do you put spoons away wrong? Oh wait, the ACTUAL problem is that you’re not paying attention to me enough was the real issue…

The truth is other person is rarely the real problem. That young mom with the WIC issue that takes four minutes to resolve isn’t your problem. Your anger at her is…  The problem is your reaction. The external event (someone is rude to you) will always happen, every day, often multiple times a day. We cannot stop others from being rude, but we can change how we react. Who gives a shit if someone is rude? Does being rude back or internalizing your anger do anything to them? If you are rude back to them, then you are hand feeding them a reason that they need to justify their anger... The cycle just continues if you return their negativity… If we can react in a calmer, more peaceful manner, we will be happier, regardless of how they feel. We will then act in a more compassionate way, smile, and perhaps the other person will be transformed just a little bit by this act of compassion. In psychology, we call it de-escalating… Returning kindness, calmness and logic when handed anger, rudeness and threats… 

Now listen, I know that some consistently angry person will take this out of context and decide that I am instructing people that anger is wrong... Justifiable anger is healthy. If you do not get righteously angry at the appropriate time, I am going to wonder about your mental health. So to be clear, being cut off in traffic is not a reason to fume, make rude hand gestures and rage at your steering wheel, carry it with you for as long as you can and then relive it on Facebook... Getting cut off in traffic is a minor irritation... Now, on the other hand, if your significant other cheats on you, or lies to you then your anger is justifiable, but you are still responsible for how you handle it, what you say and how you treat that person, regardless of your anger. Even if the person you trust breaks that trust, personal attacks, the use of ad hominem, and viciousness is not justifiable.   

Here’s a little list to help you react peacefully:

1. When you notice yourself getting offended, frustrated, angry, irritated, disappointed … pause. Take a breath. Seriously, take one second to consider this situation… You aren’t a monkey ready to sling poo at someone on a moment’s notice, you’re a rational, potentially kind, logical human who can pause, evaluate and then act instead of react.

2. Don’t react. Reacting in anger is harmful. Yeah… Even dangerous… What you say can cause permanent damage. You need to find out the circumstances of the actions of the person you feel has hurt you. You may have misunderstood, you may have approached them and they were not prepared to face the issue that just came up. Consider the possibilities, do not jump to conclusions.

3. Examine the idea you have about how you think they should act. You could be holding onto an idea that it is in conflict with reality. As long as you hold onto fantasies that aren’t in line with reality, you will be frustrated. The instant you think “well, what they should have done… Stop. Right. There. To try and change all of reality to match your expectations is lunacy… Let me know when you finally succeed, then write a book, because everyone needs to know how to do that… 

4. Toss your expectation… Yep, just dismiss it because expecting that your needs will be met, how you want them met with the attitude you want it met with is not logical… Ever hear that saying about be careful how you treat people because you don’t know what kind of life they have? Think about that… You may think that you have expressed yourself clearly but you first need to check with the other person to make sure that they understand your needs. Accept the person in front of you, and yourself, as flawed humans with real issues that you may not be able to imagine. Communication is the hardest thing we do as humans and everything we do as a partner, friend, co-worker, and even perfect stranger is based on communication. Watch your verbal and non-verbal communication

5. Act with compassion. When you stop blaming the person for not acting perfectly, you can then respond appropriately, and with compassion. Accepting reality doesn’t mean you don’t take action, it just means you let go of the frustration. Instead, you can act appropriately, and be more centered in your actions. Feel free to defend yourself, but do it rationally… I’m not asking you to “take someone’s shit…” What I am saying if you are approaching life with a “I don’t take shit attitude” up front, you’re entering the octagon and you should expect your shitty attitude to be met with a shitty attitude…

6. Being kind in the face of unkindness is not weakness. Empathy in the face of selfishness isn’t weakness… Meeting a poor attitude with a positive one is not weakness… It takes more effort, more resolve and a monumental strength to meet negative attitudes head on… 

You may be asking the question: What if people you rely on are careless or irresponsible? Aren’t they the problem, then? Yes, they are but you don’t have to make it your problem… Other people are careless and irresponsible and this is the reality and it will always be this way. You can’t change that, and so the question is, how will you deal with it? You can rage and get mad at them and that is your choice…

Or…

You can let go of expectations, breathe, and act appropriately within this reality. Toss your expectations, smile, and act with compassion. The rude bastard will never see it coming.

So the next time you feel your anger rising, take an inventory of why... You might be able to reframe, deflect and smile about it...

Have a great day!

I love all of you and it has been a pleasure annoying you all this time and I look forward to doing it for as long as this lasts...

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