Day 21: I Always Wanted to Write and Other Lies We Tell Ourselves....

Happy Sunday Morning and Welcome to Day 21… I usually wake up and start reading to try and some inspiration for the daily blog, get limbered up for the daily exercise and prepare my heart for the daily torture… Since it is Sunday and three weeks into this long and arduous challenge I have come to a couple of conclusions this morning. This week I will wake up at the regular time Monday through Friday and back off a little on the weekend. Not sure about the time yet, but sleeping in is a pleasure that I have not only missed, not doing it has taken some fundamental pleasure out of my life as well as a toll on my overall health. Sleep is important, challenges are not set in stone and I can adjust. 

I didn’t have a topic this morning and I sat down here with a cup of coffee and the first thing I saw was my Windows background… That’s as far as I needed to go. Decode it, ingest it, and digest… I understand that not everyone has the balls to call themselves a creator but for those of you out there who have that fire in your heart this one is for you. 

This morning I want to share that desktop with you. It’s been my desktop background at home  for so long, I don’t remember what was before it. It is called the “Rules of a Creator’s Life” and it goes straight to the point…

There is criticism of the modern internet that it gives a platform for those who should not have access. So many people think that they are poets, writers, film directors and content creators that it dilutes the field so much and makes it difficult to find justifiable talent. I would say, not so… In, fact, I would say that if you are sitting back and critiquing others you really need to show me your credentials first. It’s easy to say, “His blog sucks” or “taking a picture of a shadow of a chair doesn’t make you a photographer” when you don’t write or photograph things. 

Ask yourself this question… If a child brought you a picture that they had drawn for you, would you tell them that they suck as an artist and they should stop before they embarrass themselves? Would you tell that child that they shouldn’t be doing that? No, you wouldn’t. You would praise the child because of their effort and if you were honest, you might be able to see burgeoning talent and encourage them to keep practicing their art craft. Now, take that child and make it a 50 year old adult and try to figure out why you would criticize their effort. It makes no sense that you would spare the child and attack the adult. The creative mind is a miracle whether it is a 4 year old drawing their dog with crayons or that 50 year old posting a portfolio of their pictures online. It takes courage to throw yourself out there because there are so many assholes to criticize you. It’s ironic how creative they get in attacking someone else’s creativity. 

I won’t go through all of it but I want to talk about what part of this desktop photo speaks to me. “Don’t Fucking Procrastinate.” caught my attention a couple years ago when I found this and continues to resonate on a daily basis. When we think back to those watershed moments in our lives, this is one for me. As I have explained before, I made running lists in my head that I never checked anything off until procrastination made it necessary. Put something off long enough and eventually it will do one of two things, it will age out or it will become necessary. Reading a book you are interested in may age out but change the oil in your car will eventually become compulsory. In either case, you lose. You lose interest in a book that might have changed the game for you and you lose your vehicle. Procrastination causes loss either way. 

So for this day remember this…

You don’t have to be great to get started but you do have to get started in order to be great… If you get anything from this short blog this morning, understand this about yourself…

Humans lead with belief. Belief has to come first, there is no other way. There is belief, then action because once you believe you can do it, then and only then do you find the things you need to work on to do it. If you don’t believe you can become a photographer, why would you look into types of cameras, aperture, and lens speed or exposure times? When you believe that becoming a photographer is possible, you get a book and you research what you need to do in order to become what you think you can. The problem is that most people think that they need to do something extraordinary in order to believe in themselves. They could not be further from the truth.  

You are what you think you are. Try this… You don’t have to speak it out loud, since you may be a room with other people and blurting affirmations are odd and may lead to suspicion of your sanity. Then again, most creative people get a pass because we are odd… Anyway…  I wasted years of my life wanting to be the things I already was. I dreamed of being an artist and a writer and a philosopher… “Someday” was my mantra. I didn’t want to stick my neck out and tell anyone I was an artist because the immediate questions were, “have you had a show?” as if that was the indicator for a successful claim of being an artist. Vincent van Gogh and Edgar Allen Poe died in obscurity and poverty but I think we can call them giants of art culture. There is the possibility that the work you are creating out of simple love for the craft will change the way people think about art long after you are gone. Who knows, in the year 2160 you will have classes taught about your style and books will be written so that others can study your techniques. 

So listen, your first set of photographs won’t be Annie Leibovitz and unless you are real lucky, probably won’t win any awards, but it will do one thing… Your first set will lead to the second and the second may lead to a lifelong love of photography as art…

In the 1981 book Danse Macabre author Stephen King discusses how people who meet him inevitably say “I always wanted to write…” King simply says that if you truly want to write, sit down with some tools that are designed for writing and uh, write… In my experience as an artist, I often hear people say the same. Whenever I hear “I always wanted to draw…” I simply say, “then draw…” On one level I understand, the pictures in my head are not always the thing that ends up on paper and that is frustrating and even after drawing for years, I still crumple shit up and toss it… The thing is, King is right about writing and I am right about drawing… You will NEVER get good at what you do not practice. Imaging a best seller does not write a best seller and imaging your drawing style does nothing for your technique… Go to the store, buy a cheap set of pencils and a sketch book and get started. So what if the drawing you produce look like fourth grader, we all drew shitty cartoons at that age. Draw every day and you will notice improvement. 

If you truly have the interest, you can foster the talent. 

I think that "I always wanted to draw" means "I always wanted to draw as well as you..." Or I always wanted to play guitar" means "I always wanted to play as well as you..." We want instant success, instant talent and instant gratification... For the decades I wasted saying "I want to play guitar" I could have been practicing but instead I simply wanted my fingers to do what a talented guitar player's fingers did but I wanted it without the gargantuan effort and sacrifice of time that it takes for a good player to become good. 

Knock yourselves out… But please two things before you start; be honest with yourself about the effort it will entail and most importantly, believe that you can achieve whatever goal you are undertaking…  

Have a day…

Love you all, totally fucking mean it. 

Day 20: Happy BelongaBobDay: A Quiet, Candlelight Bath Almost Always Beats Insanity...

If Blogger had the space for a tag line it would say, “When did self-care become meaningless buzz words?”

Today is an important re-occurring holiday in my life. Usually twice monthly, often sporadic and always self-declared, "BelongaBob Day" has become an important cornerstone of my health, sanity and well-being. This self professed holiday involves just one thing: Whatever the fuck Bob wants to do, Bob does… After the completion of my daily challenges, it usually involves television and some form of long term reclining, be it on the bed or on the couch… Yeah, even Superman takes a day off…  I like to think of it as a “mini-mental vacation…” If you are a teacher, a counselor, social worker, therapist, health care professional, leader, educator, change agent, caregiver, parent or a purpose-driven entrepreneur, in other words, a person who gives a lot of yourself in service to the well-being, learning, and growth of others in some way – the practice of regular self-care while you care for others becomes an important balancing act. When your job requires empathy, understanding and listening to the needs and problems of others, burn out is a very real and very dangerous certainty.

Sadly, the term “self-care” has been denigrated to mean selfish. When did that happen? Relaxing is associated with guilt and even shame that you are taking the time away from family, work and other obligations to give yourself a break. Working out is wasting time because it doesn’t generate any capital and in fact, it costs money and time rather than produce tangible evidence of anything good for the culture. I will give you that the exercise industry has gone in directions that aren’t self-care anymore. Just go to Instagram  and look at any “fitness influencer” and you can see that their version of personal care involves photo filters, self pressure and ascending to heights of perfection only achieved with photo manipulation and surgery… Fuck that, stop looking at them and maybe they will go away… Self care is exactly what it sounds like. If you were going to give someone a day to relax would it involve pressuring them to have a rounder butt, flatter abs or whiter teeth at the expense of their mental well being? Uh, no it wouldn’t… So, every now and then , take a day or an afternoon and masturbate, doze off and have a coconut latte while you stare at the wall… For those of you who do not masturbate or have trouble with the word, try it, god doesn’t care, he has way too many Instagram influencers asking him for help to worry about what you are doing with your genitals… I made a joke about it one day to someone and they got this weird look on their face and said “you still do that?” Yeah, there is an entire multibillion dollar industry to support me doing it and even if there weren’t chances are I still would… To quote the ever present Grandfather of mine, “It’s my soap and my dick and I will wash it as fast as I want to…” 

Wow… That took a left turn, didn't it… But, hey, self-care is also self-defined and your self-care involves long showers, so be it… See how that works…

I live with a teacher… She lives with a mental healthcare worker and we both experience the brutality of constant human need. She works shaping the minds, egos and experiences of becoming an adult and I work with the people who have fallen through the cracks of society and live on the streets. The jobs are incredibly stressful. Dealing with the mentally ill homeless population really can suck the life out of you and for all of you out there who say things like “teachers get the summers off”, well you need beaten with a bag of oranges in a pillowcase… I don’t think teaching at the K-12 level is so much a job as it is a way of life. You’re entire being is a teacher and if you don’t believe that, think about this… You can look at just about any crowd and pick out the teachers… When someone introduces themselves as a teacher, don’t you just kinda think, “oh yeah, I can totally see that...”

So especially if you have one of these kind of empathy driven, soul sucking, life encompassing jobs, for fuck’s sake, find a way to unplug from the job, the day and yourself every now and then… I work with lots of people who never practiced self-care… They are commonly known as “homeless” and/or “mentally ill”. They are people who never got away from their stress and used drugs and alcohol to ease the pressures of their lives. Seriously, don’tcha think a hot bath once in a while is way better than being shirtless and yelling at traffic? By no means am I ridiculing these people, in fact, just the opposite. If you could hear the stories behind the slow descent into drug addiction and homelessness, it is shocking to think that it could be any one of us. So take note on that as I reiterate: Drugs and alcohol are not self care, they are self destructive…  If you are using them to escape your stress, you’re totally doing it wrong… When you get stressed out and all you can think is, “I need a cigarette (drink, joint, pill…)!” you may have a problem, just saying…

So self-care is not over-used any more than talking about needing a job. You need a job to survive and you need self-care to survive that job. They are reciprocal. The give and take of this life shouldn’t be an all or one proposition, instead, practice the yin and yang of existence. Stress is unavoidable; working a job is unavoidable but think of yourself as a balloon. You can only get so full before you burst. Self-care releases that pressure and lets you recharge that battery so you can go out and face that child who has problems outside the classroom, or that client who is slip sliding around in their recovery, the family member who can’t go on… The people I listed earlier are the cornerstone of our culture. We are the rock that people cling to in the storms of life. They need us, and we are the ones who will stand with them even when our knees are buckling from the pressures they unintentionally place on us. Even when others think of it as selfish and inconsiderate, fucking ignore them and go do something that you love, or something mindless and personally rewarding. Do it without guilt, without shame and with all your heart… After all, it’s your time and your heart and you can love it as much as you want to…”

Happy BelongaBob Day! Make up your own holiday and celebrate the fuck of it!

Before I go here is a comprehensive list to help give you some ideas to practice self-care:

1. Whatever the fuck you feel like doing…

This looks about right... 

Love all you all! Totally mean it!

Personal challenges all done today except for the guitar and I’m saving that for later… Self care is exhausting and I may need to lie down first… 

Day 19: Your Best Teacher is Your Last Mistake.... Accepting the Truth of Your Own Stupidity...

Why can we never admit when we are wrong? That’s a pretty bad move on our part…. Now counterintuitive to the thought processes of the majority, accepting that you are wrong and admitting it to others makes you appear intelligent rather than stupid. Continuance of your self-charade makes you look fairly dim witted…  The events of the last few months on the political landscape have given us a pretty good example of being wrong, not admitting it and then standing your ground when it is obvious that you are incorrect or mistaken. Chances are you’re going to look pretty stupid. Conversely, when you exclaim your opinion or “fact” and then new information appears that contradicts you, you see it, assimilate the information, apply it to your belief, negate your belief and then say “Oh, well I was wrong…” Your intelligence shines through like the sun coming up on a spherical (not flat) earth… The funny thing is that in 2021, in the age of the Hubble Telescope, in the face of obvious data, science, examples and information there are still humans walking amongst us that believe that the earth is flat… Luckily many on them are seventh graders who are just being antagonistic because they can but there are quite a few adults who refuse to believe that they live on an orb… Their proof? Well, they get a plate and fill it with water and then tilt it so the water runs off and obviously, only a flat, slightly concave object can hold water…  Yeah, seriously…  Just go to the NOT SATIRICAL The Flat Earth Society where you can find “a comprehensive collection of Flat Earth literature, consolidated in one place for everyone’s benefit…”

So why am I talking about this? As anyone who has been reading my ramblings for the last few weeks, I recently stopped a 43 year journey of loving to drink… Just to summarize, I made excuses for the last two decades in the face of mounting evidence that I was developing a serious problem… 

Then, about five years ago, I fell in love with Tony Horton… He really kicked my ass and put me on a track to make an attempt at getting some abs at age 55 and for that, I’m pretty grateful. Tony is an avid health nut and even got the Jack LaLanne Lifetime Achievement Award for fitness. If you don’t know who LaLanne is, he was on television every morning in the sixties and seventies at like 0500 working out. He is the first fitness instructor for America and pretty much the inventor of isometrics and body weight exercises… 

Anyway… Horton has some amazing exercise routines… 

So during the 13 week course of P90X3 Tony makes several  disparaging comments about drinking and clearly expounds the philosophy that drinking is not something that fitness freaks do…  Well, instead of accepting that, I set about proving Mr. Horton to be unenlightened to the concept that you can drink and be super fit… Yeah, I knew I was wrong but hear me out… I also didn’t have to have a clean diet, workout daily or be get enough sleep either… I wanted what everyone wants, I wanted to be fit, fabulous and fucked up on drugs all at the same time… Hey, as rule it doesn’t work but I managed to be kinda fit, kinda fabulous and super fucked up on drugs for a really long time… 

Then along came those Junes and Decembers… You know, those “dry months” where I “got control” of my drinking and drugs… You know those months… The ones where I would clean up and stop drinking and cut myself off from the partying… I noticed that with alarming rapidity that I would lose five pounds in a week, start sleeping better, and then my abs would start showing right around the time that it would come to the end of my sobriety… I like to call these periods my “almost abs” and as soon as the drinking started, what Tony Horton called “the goo that covers your abs” would erase all my progress and I would go back to the kinda fit, kinda fabulous and really fucked up party guy… Woo Hoo! But every time I did it, the data in my head was compiling and the question became, “How far does this go if I stop being stupid?”

Now listen… I’m stubborn as anyone you know… I won’t quit until I need surgery most of the time. But obviously, Tony Horton was quite right and I knew it. I just didn’t want to stop… That is the definition of a problem… You know the truth and the truth is irrelevant as long as you can continue to appear that you are correct… You know, like when you lose an election and refuse to concede… Of course, I’m talking about Kentucky Governor Matt Bevin in the 2019 election…  

Now sitting here 18 days in, I have lost seven pounds, I sleep like a baby, I wake up pretty well rested two out of three tries and I have six pack abs that just continue to get more and more pronounced… My musculature is that of someone far younger. I am stronger than I have been in decades and there is a clarity that I did not expect.

I was wrong about my drinking and I knew that Tony Horton was correct… I knew it… Of course stopping poisoning myself every day was going to expedite my wellness… No fucking shit… I wanted to drink and therefore, Tony Horton was wrong. It was possible to be healthy and a drunk. 

So today’s lesson is pretty easy… 

Ask yourself what you are being stubborn about in the face of obvious evidence. How many studies do you have to see, read and hear on the dangers of fast food before you stop? How many times do you have to hear that bottled water is a danger to the planet, is highly contaminated and almost completely unregulated before you buy a refillable bottle to top off from a filtered tap? You know, the same tap without a filter on it that fills a plastic bottle that ends up in a dolphin’s ass because recycling it is bad for the environment? Sorry… Pet peeve of mine… I will stick to the health thing… Less pushback… But if you’re going to continue with the bottled water, do your research on which water is safest and please recycle responsibly…  Dolphins are sexual creatures and some sexual creatures like things “in there” but it is not all dolphins… Be kind to them…

If you continue to claim you are correct it can lead to some pretty shitty consequences… Cause and Effect can be a real bastard sometimes…  Just saying…  Ignore what you know to be true about your eating habits long enough and you will be crying about your heart disease…  Hide behind your excuses and sooner or later, it will catch up to you… 

Anyway, Tony Horton told me what I did not want to hear. That right there was my excuse and that is a serious problem folks. It is childish to throw a tantrum or refuse to cooperate when the obvious facts show you to be wrong. I tried relentlessly to make it his problem, but all along, it was mine. 

When the truth piles up and you don’t change, do the world a favor, tell them yes, the data does not suggest my choices are correct. Tell everyone that you are wrong and no one will think less of you because it was obvious that you were wrong the entire time anyway…  Plus, you won’t hinder someone else in their progress by being their excuse. If we all bowed to the truth, sooner or later, the world would be a little better place… Don’t you think it’s refreshing to see someone take responsibility for their own misery? Smoking isn’t the cigarette manufacturer’s problem; it’s the smoker’s problem. The blame for the epidemic of obesity, diabetes, heart disease and a myriad of other health issues does not lie in the lap of Colonel Sanders, Ronald McDonald or Wendy… The responsibility is in the choices of the people lined up at every fast food drive thru at lunchtimes all across the country. They are making the choice to rush through their lives avoiding the sad truth that they are committing slow suicide. 

Wake up, the ride is over and it’s time to own up to your dishonesty with yourself and accept your mistakes. It’s never too late to start over… 

Have a wonderful day…

Love all of you… Mean it…

Oh, yeah… I overslept an hour… Fuck… That’s twice this week… Maybe I should put down the damn phone and get to bed earlier…  No, wait… Damn you Apple! This is your products fault!!! Stupid iPhone made me stay up late again… 

Not really… It was me… 

Exercises done… Gonna be good day regardless… 

Day 18: A Goal Without a Plan is Just a Wish... Another Banal Platitude That Happens to Be True...

Today I listened to a hard-hitting speech about the reality of big dreams… I want to open with that raw truth that most dreams never come true. It isn’t because people aren’t out there busting their ass and working hard. It’s not because they’re not well-meaning, or they’re not good at what they are doing.  The simple reality that the things that you’re dreaming about, are hard as hell to accomplish. So big dreams take big actions, it’s just that simple. Your effort must match the size of your dreams or you need to prepare yourself that you will fall far short of your goals. if you want to accomplish them, let me tell you one thing right now, you cannot ever be passive.  The truth is that for most people, passive is a way of life. The reality is if you want to be the greatest of all time, if you want to be better than everyone else, if you want to call yourself the best, you must dig in and out-work everyone. You’re going to have to go hard to make that a reality So hard that other people simply cannot fathom working that hard for anything in their life. The simple truth is that people simply cannot imagine trying to keep up with that, and so what they say, is that person must be extraordinary. That person is naturally talented, or that person has something that I don’t have, or lucky, or has more connections. The reality is they aren’t pushing themselves to ascend to that height. 

Now…

Given that, I agree that we cannot all be Tom Brady. We can’t all be POTUS. Most of us have our big dreams beaten out of us by the time we hit junior high school. When a child says “I want to be astronaut” we smile and patronize them. But listen, did anyone fucking notice that there really are such things as astronauts? We have a space station in orbit around the planet… Remember that? The United States is planning on landing on the moon in the next decade and establishing a base on that same moon. Elon Musk has a plan to send a crewed mission to Mars… So if these things are reality, and humans dream of flying in space, then we could encourage those big dreams rather than patronizing them and treating their future plans as far fetched?  There are world class athletes, high level politicians, champions, world record holders and a whole host of superior status human beings that anyone, and I mean anyone can ascend to become. So when big dreams creep into your consciousness, instead of dismissing them as unattainable, ask yourself “how hard am I willing to work?”

Now let’s drop down to the level where all of us can relate. Take me for example. I dream of playing music in front of an audience. I always have. Many of us have played air guitar to our favorite band and jumped around imagining the crowd singing along and loving us… Now I dreamed about this all my life and 25 years or so ago, I bought a guitar and I carried it with me for two and a half decades. Therein lies the problem, I carried it. I never progressed beyond some chords and some strum patterns. No lessons, np practice but my shower concerts never stopped. In my mind, I have been pulled out of the audience at lots of concerts and given a guitar to play while the lead singer is super impressed… Eddie Vedder often asks me to come back stage after the concert and we hang out and become close friends… Trouble is I don’t know any Pearl Jam songs… I can’t play barre chords which makes the possibility of me playing “Jeremy” in front a crowd at a shitty bar in Bumfuck, Arizona pretty much zero let alone in a sold out arena…

I have been proactive in my imagination and passive in my actions to make that dream happen. Big dreams require big effort. Now dreaming is fine and in fact, experts tell us that those big dreams are good for us. They make us feel good. I like feeling good, because feeling good makes me feel good… However, when I dream big, there is always that truthful admission that these things are not possible because I know, I’m simply not doing what I would have to do in order to make that happen…  Not because I think that the 15 year old kid I see on YouTube who gets pulled out of the audience and she is playing while the audience screams in delight has any more talent than I do, she just worked way harder than I ever did… She dreamed big and she worked big… She loved the band, loved the music, focused her mind, took the time and her struggles became reality. 

Now I am working my way towards that… It’s not automatic and it’s not immediate. My 90 Day Life Change Challenge includes guitar every day and even though I am truthfully not practicing enough, I am practicing daily, and I see so much progress. In 17 days, I have added to my chord list, know three riffs from my favorite songs and pretty much have progressed more in 17 days than I have in 25 years since I purchased the damn thing… Well, truthfully, this is my third guitar because very so often over the years, I got a better guitar to carry around with my and man, you should see the case I never need, it’s pretty sweet…  I will never stop singing with Eddie in the shower, but I have adjusted my actions to meet my expectations. I will be a better player and someday I will sit and soulfully (at least soulfully for me…) play “Black” and secretly imagine Vedder is smiling somewhere because I finally did what I said I was going to do… Luckily for me though, not playing guitar like I planned doesn’t give me diabetes… 

So take this away today for your arsenal… Figure out what you really want and adjust your actions to meet reality. If you dream about being thinner or heavier, adjust your eating habits to meet your expectations. If you dream about more education, binge watching an entire season of some shitty show you have already seen won’t help you do that. If you imagine running a marathon this summer, get off your couch… 

Yes, you’re average… Hope you aren’t offended because that will just hold you back… No one slid out of their mother quoting poetry...In fact we all came down the chute confused, wet and screaming..  If you consider yourself above average, then you probably worked really hard since your emergence from your mom to attain that. All you had was interest and then drive to learn because you discovered you liked it. You see, average has the tools to become extraordinary… Every single person reading this has the ability to excel at whatever they want. Me? Well I will probably never play at Lollapalooza on the main stage but someday, very soon, I will be one helluva guitar player…

Now, how I am going to do that?

Easy… I'm going to play until my fingers obey my commands... 

Take a second, clear your schedule for 3 minutes and I am going to give you some advice that can change your perspective.

If I say, “I’m going to be a rock star!” then I am making a statement that is a goal. Goals are great, don’t get me wrong but “I’m going to be a rock star” is kinda like saying “Someday. I’m going to see the Mona Lisa in person…” It has the enthusiasm, however it lacks two things… Planning and focus….

So here is a little secret for you…

Reframe “I’m going to be a rock star” to “What do I need to do to become the best guitar player I can be?”

See what I did there? One is a statement that has no clear path to get to the goal and one is a question that has a path that leads to multiple outcomes.

Make your goals achievable by reframing your statements to make questions out of them. Want to see the Mona Lisa, first ask yourself where it is, get your passport, save the money, buy the tickets, plan out your trip, get on the plane, etc… Then you will be standing in the Louvre Museum in Paris looking at The Mona Lisa… You didn’t make a claim, you made a fucking plan. Fuck, you may as well go see the Eiffel Tower too; it’s in the same town… 

So today review your goals and ask yourself that fatal question… “What do I need to do to make these happen?

Then get obsessed…

Have a great day!

Love ya! Truly mean it!

Today was tough but I ended up with 104 pull-ups and 252 push-ups in 60 minutes, a 2 1/2 minute plank, meditation and a little writing all before work... Good day... I will finish up the little stuff throughout the day and tonight I'm gonna make that guitar do my bidding... Thant's my plan anyway....

Day 17: Tough Times Never Last and Sometimes Tough People Don't Either...

 Sometimes it feels like I am hard wired to fail. Granted there are days when motivation shows up at my door like an excited puppy wagging its entire body and exercise looks like a shiny new car that I won on a game show. These are the days that make self- improvement worth the struggle of staying disciplined. You know what I am talking about, those days your eyes open and you feel great, the shower becomes a sound booth, and you are a rock start singing loudly and proudly… The day feels brighter and you just feel like everything is going to be okay. When I have those days, exercise is a pleasure, the 90 Day Life Challenge feels like it’s progressing, and you just feel good… 

Then we have today… 

When my alarm went off at 0521, I barely had the energy to reach for the phone and when I picked it up, my eyes slammed shut from the burst of gamma rays emitting from the screen… No thoughts, just reactions of despair and pain. Day after day of hard-hitting exercise has been tapping me on the shoulder and this morning it not only caught up to me, it tackled me and put me in a rear naked choke hold and I tapped out like Connor McGregor losing consciousness while Nate Diaz maniacally choked him out… Overslept an hour… Total fail but you know, sometimes failure doesn’t take no for an answer. Luckily, oversleeping isn’t like a rock climb and failing just means you get comfy again and not falling to your death…

My exercise felt like I was doing a ½ Murph in a lake full of gooey caramel and as far as P90X3 YogaX? Well… I will get there after work… Cause fuck YogaX and fuck Tony Horton right now… I will do it, no doubt but I’m hoping that the cement in my joints loosens up before I crawl through it… 

Ever feel like this?

So here the lesson I learned this morning… It’s okay to step in dog shit because stepping in dog shit is inevitable… It’s okay to not be motivated and it’s okay to slog your tired, unenthusiastic, and apathetic ass through a workout. It’s okay to rearrange your day to fit your mood and shove your goals to the back of the day. What is not okay is skipping shit because you don’t feel like it.

 “Lack of motivation is the framework for discipline.” – Bob Perrine

Do it on your time? Great… Do it later in the day? Works for me… Motivation is a feeling and feelings are fleeting and based on chemicals in your brain… Discipline is a mindset of self-control indifferent to how you feel and concerned only with the greater good of the intended act. 

So that’s my update today… “Like Granddad used to say, some days you get bear and some days the bear gets you and then there are days you just shouldn’t be in the woods at all…” 

Now… A word about overcoming the human condition…

“Necessity rules the world. People rarely act unless compelled to.” – Robert Greene

Doctors don’t scare the addict… Isn’t that amazing? A few years ago, when I was in the beginning stages of my life transformation, I was riding my bike to work every morning, learning about nutrition, exercise and developing a new mindset. I dropped ten pounds and my co-workers noticed that I was in better health, in a better mood and starting to morph into something besides the overweight, pale, pasty faced guy in the recycling department eating a constant flow of candy, cakes, cookies and donuts. Like all new transformations, people started to ask me about my newly forming habits and I gave them what little advice I could but in the early days after my “oh fuck, what have I become?!?!” shower moment, my information was limited, and my guidance was that of a novice. I didn’t know what the fuck I was doing and “just stop eating poorly and start exercising” was about all I could muster… Good advice for the people with the health epiphanies but bad advice for the people addicted but not aware of it… 

My big boss comes to me one day and asks me how I was losing the weight. He was a former bicycle enthusiast, former golfer and pictures of him as a younger, fitter man hung on the walls of his office standing next to ex-presidents, actors and other famous folks of his younger days. He sold the bike was riding to work. He wanted to know “my secret” to a life change at nearly 50 years old… He and I were about the same age, but his decline was much more profound than mine. He was not overweight; he was obese to the point of a health crisis. He told me that his doctor told him that he had become pre-diabetic and should intervention not be taken, he would be on the needle very soon. So I told him to stop eating candy, because his desk ALWAYS had candy on it and when anyone wanted a piece of candy, well he was the guy. First for the birthday cakes, first for the donuts and if no one brought donuts that morning, someone always got handed a twenty from his wallet to go get them. So I gave him the limited advice that I had up to that point in my journey and he said that was good advice and he made it a point to call me into his office and show me his cleaned out office. The secret stashes were gone, the candy dish had nothing in it and he looked like he had a vision… Now look, I was fucking shocked that someone had taken my advice. A high up admin guy was taking my advice… Well that motivated the fuck out of me… I began to read more about better health, started recommending documentaries like What the Health and devouring as much information as I could. You see, when I was sought out for my information and I helped someone else, it became so real to me that this idea that I had about holistic health was valid and the harder I worked, the more information I ingested, the better I felt…

A few days went by and I was walking by my bosses open office door and when he saw me, he swept the bag of peanut M&M’s into the drawer and looked at me with guilt and that was the end of his seeking my help. After I left, I heard that he was on insulin and a full blown diabetic… I used that to motivate myself. I know it sounds cruel but when people fail, it is an example of what not to do… Think of it as a learning experience for yourself. Imagine watching someone in a training explain that using the wrong tool will cause you to lose a finger and then during the training, he cuts off a finger… 

When the doctor tells you that change will stave off insulin shots and you end up on insulin, that should be a lesson to all of us. So take Mr. Greene to heart when he says: “Necessity rules the world. People rarely act unless compelled to.” But realize this, even when compelled to act, when faced with sure destruction, people cannot always overcome their bad habits. In a world where we are surrounded by junk food, you’ll struggle to lose weight. If you’re surrounded by smartphones and tablets, you’ll struggle to focus. In general, if you’re surrounded by “comfort” sources… you’ll almost ALWAYS give in to them because without discipline, humans are weaker than their circumstances. At the end of the day, achieving your goals (or even getting motivated to do it) is a struggle. We aren’t born with motivation even for goals we really want. We must scrape up every ounce of drive we have to make it happen. In reality, we’re at the whim of our mood. Typically, our mood will guide us towards instant gratification, and “not” goal-focused work instead. 

The question now becomes “Who do you want to be and how fucking bad do you want it?”

So let discipline your guide today… I wish I could just hand you a bag of it, but all I can do is show you the door, walking through it, well, that’s up to you. You can lead a horse to water, right? You can lead a pre-diabetic, obese ex-athlete to the 24 Hour Fitness, but you can’t make him put down the fucking M&M’s…

Have a day…

Love ya, all of you…

Mean it…

Find me on Twitter now dispensing profanity laced, home grown wisdom formed entirely from personal experiences, watching people fail spectacularly and way too much coffee...

 

Day 16: The Yawning Gulf Between Excuses and Reality: Making the Impossible Possible...

 So what makes the impossible, possible? For years, so many athletes had tried and failed to run a mile in less than four minutes that people made it out to be a physical impossibility. For more than a decade the world record for the mile had remained stuck at 4:01. Many thought it unbreakable, and dozens of medical journals reported that it was physiologically impossible for the human body to break through the barrier. In 1954, after more than ten years of various athletes trying, Roger Bannister, a medical student from Oxford, broke that impossible barrier. Articles had been written that breaking the barrier would cause such oxygen deprivation that it would result in death to attempt it. Bannister’s world record in the mile did not stand long, and the record continued to be lowered with increasingly controlled climatic and surface conditions, more accurate timing devices, and improvements in training and running techniques. The “sub-four” is still a notable time, but top international runners now routinely accomplish the feat and now the record stands at 3:43.13…

I failed at completing the P90X3 90 Day Challenge about 6 times before I finally figured out how to beat it. Since then I have beaten it over a half dozen times. Impossible mountains get climbed; challenges overcome. Honnold climbed El Capitan on the Freerider Route without ropes in a seemingly impossible feat and now several climbers are training to do the same. It seems like once a challenge falls, then people line up to try it. In September of 2019 I watched as Matt Zhang did 30 Murphs in 30 days, after 8 months of thinking about it, training for it and then going all out, I finished the same feat at the end of June 2020. Now there are dozens of pages, videos, blogs and videos out there with people easily accomplishing it…  How is this possible? 

All these example have one thing in common: Average people will tell you, “that’s not possible…” I like to hear that uttered. It catches my attention and perks me right up like a triple espresso… “Can’t be done” means one thing to me: Hide and fucking watch because I know that somewhere out there is a person training for it, focusing on it, attempting it for the fifth time… If the Wright Bothers had listened to the naysayers, we would still be on boats to get to Europe. instead they started a scientific revolution that took us to the moon and now, Elon Musk is planning a crewed journey to Mars. Yeah, flying is impossible… 

How are these things possible? Clearly, positive thoughts like “I can climb El Capitan Freedrider Route with no ropes” are much more powerful than the negative statement “Attempting El Cap without ropes is not only stupid, but it also isn’t possible…” Well, apparently Alex Honnold is stupid. Not only is he stupid, but he is also now famous, the star of an academy award winning documentary and probably one of the most inspirational characters of our time.  These negative statements tell us quite a bit about the people who make them. Do you think that the person who utters “that’s not possible” will attempt it? When I saw Zhang do 30 Murphs in 30 Days my only thought was, I can do that… Now listen, it took 8 months of training, mental preparation and focus to attempt it. Alex Honnold climbed El Cap after literally years of training, memorizing the route and prepping for the 3,000 foot climb. These feats of strength, stamina and skill take hundreds of hours to prep for and I think that is why the average person just finalizes their decision so quickly. The average person doesn’t have the discipline, courage, or the drive to step up and declare “Yeah, I can do that…” Reason numero uno: Negative mindset is easier than prepping mentally and physically… Don’t mistake “It cannot be done” with “I don’t want to…”

Right on the heels of negativity? Belief… World records are not set by people who doubt themselves… In our culture, belief in yourself is great, but don’t take it too far… Beat your addiction? Perfect!  Did you get a job? Wonderful! Change the way the world looks at something? Well, don’t get excited there cowboy… Luckily, nobody convinced Steve Jobs that his vision to change the way people communicate was a little bit too much… How narcissistic to think that your name would become synonymous with communication… Jobs believed in himself and he believed in the people around him. 

When I stepped up to the plate for my 30 in 30 Challenge, I had a little trepidation and at one point, I quit… I laid in the floor underneath the pull-up bar and cried… Then I gathered my anger at myself, turned it back into belief in myself and I did it. The day before he successfully bested El Cap, Honnold failed. He got part way up and said, I can’t do this, and he came down… The next day, he stepped up, envisioned it, and did it… 

You need a vision. Visualize yourself speaking French and you will speak French. Visualize yourself playing guitar, put your mind in learning mode and I guarantee that in a month you will be shocking yourself. Believe in yourself and anything is possible. If you step up to the bar and “hope” you can, you are already defeated… If you approach your diet with “gee whiz I hope I can stop myself from overeating…” then you are standing in the way of a train, hoping it will swerve… Trains don’t swerve and hope isn’t a mindset, it’s a wish… Remember my grandpa? “Wish in one hand, shit in the other and see which gets fullest fastest.” To conquer, you must believe you can. Reason numero dos: Belief is paramount. Don’t mistake “It cannot be done” with “I don’t believe in myself…”

Lastly… It just boils down to simple discipline. Learning is painful, time consuming and tedious at times. That’s why I challenged myself to play my guitar every single day for 90 days. My fingers were sore for a week, and if you want the truth, that first few days, I hated that thing… Picked it up anyway. Disciplined myself to practice even though the twangs, buzzes and missed chords hurt my soul. Did it behind closed doors because I know how it sounded. A few nights ago, played a riff of “You” by The Pretty Reckless, recorded it and sent it to a few folks… Why? Because I was proud that that the song was recognizable… Yesterday I got closer to a mistake free session… Why? Because I practiced, because I had the discipline to play every day whether or not “I felt like it…” One of my favorite all time quotes is from comedian and podcaster Joe Rogan… “If I only worked out when I felt like it, I would be a fat motherfucker…” Internalize that and swish it around in your mouth a little… So now I can say, if I only played guitar when I felt it, my guitar would be a dusty motherfucker… So third reason: Do not mistake “That’s not possible” with “I’m too fucking lazy to do it…”

There… Now you know why these impossible feats become possible. Ditch your excuses… Saying shit like “there isn’t enough time in the day to exercise...” is just another way of saying “I don’t want to…” 

Whatever your goals, whatever your desire to learn, do or be… Stop the negativity, believe you can and for the love of god, get off your ass and stop being lazy about it. Imagine a better you, believe in a better you and get to work!

Oh, my 90 Day Personal Challenge to better myself? Fuck… I’m Killing it… Thanks for asking…

Have a day…

Love ya! Mean it!

Day 15: Feeling Good Will Make You Feel Good and Other Circular Arguments...

Good morning…  I woke up at 0530 full of energy and that was the strangest feeling I have felt in a long time… My years of disturbed sleep patterns are disappearing slowly and I am starting to see the world from a new angle, through new eyes… Well, philosophically speaking anyway… I didn’t get LASIK or anything; I’m just considering the world without the fog of substance abuse. For clarity, “fog” is another metaphor… How about I didn’t wake up feeling like shit? Damn it… I’ve never really “felt” shit and I can only guess what it feels like. So… I woke up this morning still adjusting to greeting the world without being hung-over, tired, bleary eyed and angry? I think that’s clear enough… 

The issue now isn’t with the alcohol anymore. The trick is staying motivated and that’s what I want to talk about today. Well that’s part of what I want to talk about today. I want to talk about epiphany, motivation and discipline because those three things, in that exact order are the keys (fuck, another metaphor…) to unlocking your life. You see, you live in a prison and that prison consists of your bad habits holding you back from the potential that you have… Sorry to inform you but you could actually live a far better life that the one you are living now… 

What? You say that’s not true? 

Yeah, it is… Science says so… Let me explain myself here with yet again, another analogy… 

For the sake of saving time and simplicity because you certainly don’t want a lesson in the combustion engine, just understand this one simple concept… A motor is about good components and good fuel. Ever stop at a gas station and pump bad fuel into your vehicle? A little water in the gas can fuck up your whole day… Throw a little sugar into the gasoline of a cheating spouse’s car and they aren’t going anywhere… I once accidentally pumped diesel fuel into a gasoline powered engine and it smoked more than chimney with the flue closed… The point being that quality fuel for a motor is in direct correlation to the performance of the engine… There is a real difference between Chevron Gasoline and Debbie’s Convenience Store, Food and Largest Ball of Twine Roadside Rest Area (Where we also feature gas…) Don’t believe me?

Study Shows Top Tier Gasoline Worth the Extra Price: AAA analysis reveals that gas with detergent additives can keep an engine running smoothly…

Of course you knew this… It’s pretty obvious… If we had the extra cash, we would buy it consistently, that’s a no brainer. Even running a tankful of quality fuel once in a while makes a difference. It cleans the system out and cleaner system equates to better performance…

Now where I am going with this in relation to epiphany, motivation and discipline? Well… Let’s talk about epiphany… Epiphanic moments take epiphanies to explain… Shit… Now we’re stuck in a closed loop, aren’t we… How about a definition of epiphany, that might help… These moments are about feelings so they are hard to explain. An epiphany is an experience of a sudden and striking realization. Now these are powerful realizations. Your mind is constantly trying to put the puzzle of reality and existence together behind the scenes of your experience. It’s that moment when you add up a bunch of simple truths and suddenly you see a bigger picture. In literature, they are called “aha” moments. Does that make sense? Think of it as having a child mind and the little truths that make that up and as the child gets older, truth one, truth two and truth three suddenly merge into one big TRUTH we could call a deeper realization or an understanding. Epiphanies change the way you think, the way you approach problems, the way you live your life. 

On we go…

Now take that good gasoline for engines make the engines perform better and really think about it for a second. Good gas means high performance. High performance fuel for race cars has a legitimate purpose. 

Human = Race Car

Life = Race

Food = Fuel

C’mon… Don’t balk... Chicken nuggets with sweet and sour sauce are fucking delicious… Deep fried anything is delicious… Delicious doesn’t equate to healthy and you know it… I’m not going to launch into a food blog moment here but when if you could just get a realization, an “aha” moment that this truth is important then slowly, you might be able to eat healthier and yeah, I know everyone wants to it’s just incredibly hard. Fuck, it’s almost impossible in our culture. We grow up on fast food, pre packaged garbage that has little or no nutritional value. We live in a culture where throwing an apple slice into a happy meal makes us breathe a little easier. Our children are besieged with advertising that mesmerizes them into eating absolute garbage. This isn’t hyperbole, these are facts. Go online and check out the nutritional value of the shit they hand you in the drive thru. Couple that with the prepackaged shit they sell you in the grocery store and you can see why over one third of Americans are overweight and another one third who are obese. The bizarre idea that you can be obese AND malnourished is astounding and sounds nonsensical, but welcome to America… 

So there is your epiphany, hopefully… When the realization that what you feed your body really does affect your performance becomes a fully formed, fact based idea in your head and not just a saying on a t-shirt, then you can got to step two…

Motivation… Now we have that issue of whether or not you have will power… Uh oh… Another roadblock…

Lets take a look at something here and maybe we can add it to the base of knowledge. When we eat poorly, we feel bad, we have no energy, foggy thoughts, poor sleep and our perception is like looking through dirty glass. We can make out what is on the other side of the glass, but cannot get any detail. So we fuel the machine inadequately, we operate on a substandard level and we have no motivation to change it. We have just enough operational capacity to keep stopping at the Burger King and Whoppering ourselves into extra cheese oblivion… By the way, that shit on a Whopper isn’t really cheese… Just so you know… They serve a “cheesy substance” that’s made from cheese and other ingredients. It contains only 60% cheese and 40% fillers. Although casually referred to as American cheese in the US, it’s usually technically referred to as a pasteurized cheese food product… *gag* Anyway… In order to break that cycle, we need to eat enough good food to get enough long term energy to make better decisions and have the vigor to cook a fucking meal at least once in a while. No, not a frozen dinner, but a meal… Like food… Remember food? Before factories, food was thing… Still is, you just have to do some research, some shopping and take the time to learn how your oven works… No, the big white thing with the grates or swirled metal rings on top and the glass door where you store some pots and pans you don’t use and hang your kitchen towels. Not the box on the counter that heats your coffee in one minute… 

Yeah, I’m being dramatic here but there are people in our culture who have no idea how to prepare a meal that doesn’t come with directions on the box… 

So (hopefully) now you have the epiphany and if you start to eat correctly at least once in a while, some weird feelings start occurring and you feel better. A little more energy, a little better sleep, a little better life… In order to feel motivated, the first few weeks you have to force it… 

That’s called discipline and let me alert you here. Discipline is awful… Discipline makes you stop at the grocery store and buy fresh greens, fresh meat and vegetables and go home to cook when you feel like a pizza. Discipline drives by McDonalds.  Discipline makes you get up and exercise when you don’t want to. Discipline is a harsh taskmaster when you want to fuck off.  But listen, discipline makes you proud of yourself. When you study instead of playing video games, you get good grades and that makes you proud. When you eat right, lose the weight you wanted, you’re proud and pride does something you don’t expect… Pride in your achievements motivates you… Holy Shit… Did you catch that? (*epiphanic moment*) <= insert dramatic music here...

Bad habits = bad feelings = no energy = no motivation = more bad habits 

Repeat, repeat, repeat and health declines, life is substandard…

Good habits = good feelings = health and energy = motivation = more good habits

Repeat, repeat, repeat and good health and productive, happy and satisfying life…

So why aren’t you feeling good? Do you feel like broccoli and fresh fish are things you don’t deserve?

Get to work… Time is wasting…

Have a great day, it’s really up to you…

Epiphany leads to Motivation that leads to Discipline and Discipline creates Epiphany

Love ya… Mean it…

Day 14: Cause I'm Easy... Easy Like Sunday Morning...

Happy Sunday morning… Day 14 and I’m taking the day to relax… Got up early, knocked out a P90X3 stretching segment called “Dynamix”, planked for 3 minutes and 30 seconds and meditated…  Except for a ½ hour of guitar and this little bit of writing, I’m done for the day…

Day 14 of absolute sobriety will feature UFC 257 where I will observe highly fit, focused athletes beat the living fuck out of each other and sometimes they twist each other’s limbs until they pop out of joint… What’s a better Sunday morning than that? Then two football games that will lead to Super Bowl 55… Go Bills and the Packers! Yeah...

On a side not, I was born the year of the very first Super bowl…  Hopefully, I will be on some local news show doing pull-ups when it comes time for Super Bowl “C”… The year 2065…

Have a day… Enjoy it because days are limited… That’s not negative thinking, just a way to make you think about finding ways to maximize the ones you will get…

Love ya…  Mean it…

Hey... A blog where I wasn't sanctimonious, didn't bloviate, pontificate, babble or be a know it all smarty pants... Consider my gift to you...

Fuck... Did it again... Sorry...

See you tomorrow...

Day 13: Free Solo Means Failure is Not an Option... Oh, and Something About Evil Monkeys...

Let’s not do yesterday ever again…  When people speak about getting sober without meds, doctors, therapy or groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, they call it “White Knuckle Sobriety” and let me tell you right now, aptly named my friends… Because fuck, this is, let’s say, uh, difficult.  After yesterday, I slept through the night except for of course, the “nearing sixty years old, middle of the night bathroom break…” I woke up at 0530 and when I sat up, I just laid back down. My first Challenge failure in a few days but I think I needed the sleep more than I needed to overcome any life challenges this morning. If anything, this experience is humbling me. I don’t have quit in me, but I am learning that I do have my kryptonite issues…  The great thing about the way I am approaching this is that instead of “a drink would stop this” I am looking at it like, “a drink would just restart this fucking nightmare…” and I don’t want a repeat of yesterday ever again. I would rather not, thanks…

I would like to take a minute here to thank Ahmed al-Ghaffar. The inventor of brewed coffee… The earliest credible evidence of coffee-drinking or knowledge of the coffee tree appears in the middle of the 15th century in the accounts of Ahmed al-Ghaffar in Yemen. It was here in Arabia that coffee seeds were first roasted and brewed, in a similar way to how it is prepared now. Mr. al-Ghaffar, you have my eternal gratitude… I probably drink too much but let’s worry about that after I kill this monkey on my back. I fucking hate monkeys right now… Let's confront our monkeys, shall we?

What started out as a 90 Day Life Change Challenge Blog took a wild left turn didn’t it? I never imagined that shutting down the Evil Monkey would have the effect it did…. I’m still on track for becoming the best person I can be, I’m just in the ditch right now… Remember when I spoke about my life as a car driving 100 miles per hour on a winding road? Well, I never thought I would lose control of it, but I did… So, while I will continue my pursuit of the best life possible, I am just gathering my thoughts on how to get out of this ditch I swerved into…  Funny fucking thing about the whole situation is I didn’t lose control until I slowed down… That tells me that maybe vodka was driving and when I tried to take the wheel, vodka screamed at me in Russian and fought back… Oh well… Give a few days and we can get back to the fitness, diet and Life Challenge shit… But think about this, I am writing every day and some of you are reading every day… How about that? When this is over, I’m going to write a book and those of you who have developed daily reading habits can move on with a new habit. Everyone wins! Reading is wonderful… I guess I could turn this into an audible blog for everyone… Hmmm… That sounds like a future possibility because I need something else to do… (I said that really sarcastically if you didn’t catch it…)

So Day 13 will consist of sleeping in for some much needed rest, eating some good, healthy whole foods, drinking lots of water, completing the 90 Day Life Change Challenge and try to get this truck out of the ditch…

Now, the piss and vinegar part of the daily ranting… The component of the blog that many will not agree with… My favorite part because when you say something controversial, you can identify the people that are entrenched in their thinking… So here we go… If your knees are under the table, you may want to scoot back just a tad so when they jerk, it won’t upset your apple cart too… 

I don’t agree with 12 step programs… Be they religious or non-religious... Not my thing… 

Now that I have that out in the open and I’ve got your attention, let me clarify… If you have been reading my blog for the last two weeks, you know that I cherry pick just about everything and I take what works for me and I ignore the rest. I’m not stupid and sometimes when I implement the things that work for me, I realize that some of the elements I initially rejected can be modified or even accepted as part of my personal process. I am not one of those people who follow directives and for the most part it has served me well and even though occasionally I have fired that bullet into my foot before drawing my weapon, I trust that the construct of my thinking will preserve my life because I know me pretty well… Again, not for everyone and some people need definitive directions to operate. Step one through 12 is perfect for some. Fail on step eight? Just go back to step seven and go again… 

Hey Bob, how about one of your spot on analogies?  Well, gee whiz, thanks for asking!

I love to climb… This pandemic has put the kibosh on climbing… There aren’t many things out there that catch my full interest but rock climbing really does it for me. There are many types of climbing, top roped, Trad, Sport, bouldering…  I love them all but the one that does it for me, the one that makes my heart pound and the Viagra kick in, is Free Solo. No rope, no gear, just me and the rock…  Fuck up and it’s pretty much over depending on high up you are when you fail… Now obviously, I haven’t failed yet because my ashes aren’t on the mantle and I am typing with my hands and not dictating this… I have fallen a couple of times but all I lost was some skin and the ability to bend over for a few days. 

When I climbed with my group, we relied on one another. The climber has the rope attached to a belt which went up to the pulley and then down to a belay that would “catch” you if you fell… You fall about 5-10 feet and then you stop because the rope tightens up and you hang there for a second, find your holds and go on up the rock…Kind of like a group meeting for substance abuse... The group is an entity that protects the members of the group. Pretty genius actually, until Lone Wolf McQuade enters the room... You never would think of Chuck Norris in a circle talking about how many days he has been sober and how his mom was an alcoholic... Norris would glare at substance abuse, and kick alcoholism until they scurried away...

The roped rock climbing is like a 12 Step Program. You get up twenty five or thirty feet, fall, the belay catches you and you start back at twenty feet again, no harm no foul. Still a great rush of adrenaline but in the back of your thoughts is that safety net telling you that it’s okay to fail here, someone will catch you… Failure is an option and in most cases, you have to tell people that THEY WILL fail... 

Now look, I’m no Alex Honnold and I can’t imagine climbing up the face of El Cap and hanging off a piece of granite the width of a doorway frame 3,000 feet in the air. Not me, not ever…  Personally, I would like to try to ascend that rock but I want experienced climbers and ropes. There is still a chance, the oldest climber to ascend El Cap was 81 year old Gary Bloch who did it with safety climbing gear called “jumars” and you’re not really interested are you… Sorry, I start talking about climbing and sometimes I watch people’s eyes glaze over… 

Anyway…

I don’t need a 12 step program to catch me… I don’t want the doctor to give me a pill to get through it. Although for safety, I have been watching myself carefully to see if I need medical attention because detox from alcohol is fucking dangerous, you can get really sick from it and truthfully, last night I considered it for a few minutes when the world was swimming in front of me… 

Listen, I’m not being an asshole here, I will take a person to an AA meeting, listen to them, help them and coach them, I just prefer to walk this path alone. I prefer to climb alone and I prefer to rely on myself to get through this utter hell that people call recovery. 

I certainly now understand what people are going through and certainly have empathy for people who fail. I have been through quite a bit in my half century but this experience ranks in the top ten of my list called “That Was Hard”… Fail and I have to do it again and why would I do that? It’s like that climb without ropes… Fail and the result is devastation. My life isn’t about the ten steps to this or the five stages of that, it’s much more complicated and personal than someone else’s manufactured list.  

There ya go, that’s why I am not a fan of 12 Step Programs for personal use but will be the first person to suggest it for anyone having substance abuse issues. I have said it many times here in the posts on this blog, you have to figure out this shit for yourself but please come to the realization that you are so much stronger than you give yourself credit for. You are as strong and as wise as your personal journey has been difficult. Because of this, I understand things that only a handful of people can comprehend. I know what the loss of a young child feels like and the long and winding road back from being maimed in a car accident. I understand what a dozen surgeries to repair a person feels like. I cringe when I hear that these things have happened to others but I am also aware that recovery from them is not only possible, it's probable. I have heard many times that "If I ever lost a child, I wouldn't make it." In some ways you are quite correct, you're not coming back from that the same, but more times than not you will come back to health and productivity.  I will emerge from this current nightmare highly aware of the difficulties that alcohol and drugs cause. I am conscious of the reality of detoxification and recovery. I am learning great lessons inside this storm. Because I don’t require help doesn’t mean I am not empathetic to others as they ride the emotional roller coaster to get healthy…

Last thought for the day… 

When you feel like you’re motivated, that is the exact time to act on it. Motivated to start on Monday more than likely will fail. Really jazzed for the first? No… You’re really jazzed to not be doing it now… Get your ass up, TIVO the show you're watching and do something…

Ah… Much better, I didn’t think I was going to say something offensive there for a second…

Off to exercise and wipe out my daily challenges… What is your excuse again?

Have a day…

Love ya, mean it…

Day 12: The Perdition of Personal Choice...

Today was Day 12... I didn't expect today. It snuck up on me and suddenly the monkey was all over me, not just on my back... Drank a pot of coffee, concentrated on my work and fought the good fight of staying sober... Its funny, I rarely drank during the day. It's like my addiction attacked me during a time I would least expect it to. Today is the Tet Offensive of my war on alcohol. 

I woke up without any energy and struggled through the workouts and plank... Showered, took care of a difficult issue this morning with my IT Department. Got everything done on my Life Challenge list and slowly the desire to drink rose up like a waking dragon... It was surprising. I spent the day trying to focus, forgetting names, details... I wondered where this part of the detox was... When you drink 50 to 60 shots of vodka a week for years, you don't walk away without a fight. Vodka is like a psychotic ex and if they can't have you, no one is going to... 

I'm weak, tired, sad but proud of myself... Day 12 is too far in to turn back and besides, I would have to admit to upwards of fifty people that I let anything take me down... Like my dear uncle Larry, the most inappropriate person I have ever known says, "I'm like a sore dick, you can't beat me..." Probably might lose some readers right there but that's okay, if you have been reading this long, you know this is the Hour of Power Gospel Show... 

This fucking sucks... 

The list of symptoms sounds like I'm dying... hahaha Shaky, quiet, not being able to think clearly, sweaty then cold, headache, trembling hands, weak, hungry but nothing sounds good... unfocused... I am grateful for years of mindfulness, meditation, and exercise. Having to master self control in this situation would be difficult and I am suddenly in awe of those who do and understanding of those who cannot. It takes a monumental effort to beat an addiction but... I am not easily defeated. 

Feels good to confess it. I am weakened but only in body, my resolve to quit is redoubled... Somebody give me a sword, let me fight this fucking dragon...

That's enough for today...

Love ya.. Mean it...

78 Days to go... Anyone up for joining in on this ride? Pick a challenge, what have you got to lose?

Day Eleven: The Regret of Announcing Your Intentions... Because Damn...

 

Thank god I wrote all those motivational blogs… If everyone I knew hadn’t read those, if I hadn’t had over 500 views, I woulda quit like a gas lawnmower hitting a tree stump this morning… I slept all the way through the night except for a brief “whadafuckwuzdat” moment at 2:30 AM when what sounded like Lollapalooza was happening in the street outside my window… At 5:21 AM, in the middle of nice dream about… Well, it was a nice dream and I shouldn’t really go into here… Anyway, Lady Gaga starts crooning at 5:21 AM and although I always allow myself one snooze, it was one of those mornings when you hit the snooze and what feels like four seconds later it goes off again and your eyes are on fire, you body is truly being non-compliant and the only thing you can think of are 15 excuses about why you can skip this day… But I had all of you… While you may not have the expectations I have of myself, I am not about to give anyone the enjoyment of Schadenfreude… You can all forget about that… Failure isn’t an option here…

So I dragged my sleepy as out of bed, ran into the desk because I moved my furniture around, stumbled into the bathroom and even though the security light outside was giving me enough light to navigate, I turned on the bathroom light and managed to startle myself awake enough to use the bathroom, washed my face with cold water and got my workout clothes on… This was one of those mornings where you hate yourself for making a commitment to exercise and doubly hate that you are blogging about it… One of those mornings where you kinda want to slam your ankle in a door so you will have an excuse to skip the torture…

But like I said, I have all of you and you’re watching me suffer… sigh…

So I gathered up my wits, setup my area, started the music, started the stopwatch and then stopped the stopwatch because I forgot to get a cup of coffee… Then, after checking my phone, bemoaning the fact that the next hour was going to suck, I started the stopwatch again… That first burpee was agony and for the next hour all I could think of was how much I wanted to just fucking quit… every set of reps was accompanied by four repetitive negative thoughts:

1.       I can’t possibly finish.

2.       Why did I do this?

3.       90 days? What?

4.       Was that a valid “stop” pain?

Over and over and over until the ½ Murph was done… Then I broke down that equipment and spent ten minutes trying to figure out how to delay doing P90X3 The Challenge.

I just would like to stop right here for a second and admit something… I never quit but I never stop doubting myself… I have done the impossible and for the duration of the attempt, I don’t believe I am going to make it… I doubt when I start my exercise day, I doubt all the way to the end and in the end, I doubt I can keep it up tomorrow, next week and as far as finishing a challenge, fuck, I doubt I can hold out that long… So there, the guy who never quits, blogs, writes, does podcasts, impossible challenges and has a stellar diet also never believes in himself… Go figure… Maybe one of you can blog about self-confidence?

I started P90X3 – “The Challenge” with more doubt than a guy lending money to a family member… How could I possibly do it? In the end I finished the set with 96 pull-ups and 212 push-ups in 30 minutes… Tony Horton is a right bastard, but you don’t want to fail when he is pushing you. He is one of those guys who could motivate a coma victim to run a marathon… He doesn’t come out and say, “move your ass”, he just smiles at you and you feel like you kinda need to move your ass…

Getting ready for work was impossible… After that monster of an arm workout on zero desire, combing your hair and brushing your teeth? Not so easy keeping your arms up and working…

So listen, I have my days where I would rather take a fucking beating, be robbed at knifepoint, and then stabbed for complying with the robbery than workout… We all feel like that. We all have those days but what we must figure out is that we can make non-obligatory things just as necessary as the required. I mean, you wake up feeling like dogshit and go to work… You wake up feeling like walking death, but you promised your kids you would take them to breakfast… You do those things because work is necessary, and your kids are counting on you. So what separates some activities as “important” while others are deemed “unimportant”?

I know, I know, work is compulsory and only a true asshole disappoints their children with broken promises.

So my real question here is “why are you letting yourself down?” When you tell someone you will take care of something, you do it. You don’t say that you will do someone a favor and then go and make a choice about whether you will complete the task. Even when circumstances change and it becomes a pain in the ass, you do it… Why when we make a commitment to exercise, or diet, or stopping a bad habit, or starting a good habit, something as simple as “I don’t feel like it…” is a valid reason to blow it off? Can you operate in the real world like that without consequences? Of course not. Break promises to others and you will gain the distrust that you deserve. Break enough promises to yourself and you lose the ability to respect yourself…

I was reading an article last night on why some people just can’t get motivated… It was almost like an apology for the apathetic… “Maybe you’re just not ready…” Well, maybe the only person in the world to get you ready is you. I’m not being dismissive here… I wasn’t ready this morning. A punch in the face sounded better than P90X3 because that would have lasted a few seconds and I could have laid back down for an hour…

So if you’re not ready, get ready… By the way, if you’re getting ready is contingent upon “feeling like it”, forget it, you will never be ready. Just consign yourself to being average and lying about how you’re not… You can end up like one of those guys who says “I pay my child support…” Bragging about things like paying child support? Well that’s a sure sign you should wear this t-shirt:

Please note that it comes in 17 colors and a 3/4 length sleeve baseball shirt style so you can be a fashionable, comfortable and colorful loser. I hear it takes the sting out of it... 

So even though last night’s reading was for the most part bogus, here is what I took away from it…

Make one goal: Don’t take on too much. Start simple with something like drinking enough water and if you think that’s a simple task, tell me again when it feels like you need to take a piss while washing your hands right after taking a piss… Wait? You do wash your hands, right? Statistically if you’re a female, you do but if you’re a male, the odds go way down… You know my desk is right next to the men’s bathroom and I can always tell.  If I hear *flush* and in two seconds or sooner, I hear the bathroom door open and close, I know there wasn’t any hand washing occurring… Happens way more than it should so if you work with me, avoid most of the men just to be safe…

Find Inspiration: Read blogs about your new endeavor. Google it, read a book and educate yourself while you tackle it. Experts succeed more…

Post your goal: Write that shit down and post it on the wall. In big letters write “I’m going to drink a gallon of water every day!” and put that shit where you cannot avoid it. Write it on the mirror in the bathroom so you can see it when you wake up. Make the goal a tangible thing.

Commit publicly: Yeah, just like I did. Like I said, if I hadn’t opened my big mouth, I would have possibly failed this morning and been working out at 10:00 PM tonight hating my life and then spent the next few days adjusting my routines again. I tell those around me what I am doing not for the praise but for the accountability. When someone asks me how it is going, I would be ashamed to say “oh , I quit…” Fuck that.

Realize that you will have days where your goal feels like your fucking enemy: On some days, water is going to gag you… On somedays, it won’t be a problem at all… The ebb and flow of life change is a necessary evil of the process… Anyone who has ever quit a bad habit knows that some days you are easily eschewing and some days you are crying in a heap wanting… The same process goes for starting a healthy habit… Some days you attack exercise and some days you would rather take a sharp stick in the eye… Or in my case, you just doubt from beginning to end and then when you finish, you doubt the next day…

And finally…

Stick with it no matter what and celebrate your continued success: You’re going to hate water… Then you will hate lemon water… That will pass and you will become a person who drinks a gallon of water a day and it won’t be a problem; it will be  habit… Change is difficult but be proud of yourself when you change and use that pride to believe in yourself. You can change anything you want to change. Consider the thought that if you can drink a gallon of water a day, you can adjust your diet to be a little healthier and then write that shit down and attack it… You will win…

Long day, short blog…

I hope I have that dream again…

Love ya…

Mean it…

 

 

Day Ten: Change That Mindset, "Hard Enough" is Not Hard Enough...

 It’s about three weeks into the New Year and I just wanted to check on everyone who made all those New Year’s resolutions. So how are they going? Good I hope and if you are still plugging away, this blog will make you smile…  Everyone else, quit reading here because this isn’t going to be pleasant…

Before we begin, my Amazon account got hacked. This means my phone number was added to the list of annoying assholes who pretend to be everyone from the IRS, to the Amazon “Emergency” Help Desk, the Post Office, FedEx and the “Hey, your social security number has been put on hold due to fraudulent activity”. Then my credit card suddenly had $3,500 dollars in charges and my email address froze… So this blog will be a day late because I have to wait for 48 hours while Google decides if I am me or not… I am fairly certain that I am me, but, we shall see…You thought I skipped a day, didn’t you? Not a chance… I thought it was the perfect opportunity to talk about how you have to keep going in the face of adversity…  

So here we are, the New Year is three weeks old and instead of the five pounds you wanted to lose, the five pounds you swore you would lose is suddenly three more than last week…  Those tight pants from “all that holiday food” are even tighter and the holidays are over… Huh… Imagine that. This isn’t like last year when you kept your promises to yourself… Or wait, is it exactly like last year because the same pattern repeated again… Excitement for the holidays, adrenaline and endorphins flowing, promises made, resolutions resoluted and then comes January 1 and that excitement turns into dread and that resolve dissolves… 

You know what you need? You need a buddy… A true friend is the one who will tell you the truth and not coddle you. We all need one of those until we can stand up on our own and kick our own lazy ass out into the cold even when we don’t feel like it… When you wake up at 5:00 AM and it’s time to get your shit together, get dressed, take a piss and get on the road for your run, do your HIIT workout or the workout that you told yourself you would do. Yeah, you do a HIIT workout; you “hit” the snooze button too many times because you don’t feel like it. Your friend would tell you, get your lazy ass up and get your fucking clothes on, it’s time to work out…”  You see, people don’t want to call themselves lazy, that’s negative. Our new culture has reworded every negative pronouncement so we don’t feel bad. Fuck that. Opportunity springs from negativity. Something as simple as I’m tired of the living room being this way and it motivates us to go to work making it into something we aren’t tired of. So when “it’s okay if you don’t want to come and workout” turns into, “get your lazy ass up and get your fucking clothes on, let’s go!” the opportunity for change happens. There is no opportunity for change when you don’t tell yourself the truth. If you are sick, then you’re sick and that’s not an excuse, that’s a reason. When “you don’t feel like it right now, get the fuck up, get to work. Even if your workout isn’t stellar, at the very least you can show up…”

It’s time for one of those analogies that you’re probably going to hate because it’s true…

Think about the day you made the appointment for the job interview for the job you currently have. You were ecstatic… You told everyone, “Hey, I got an interview!” You studied for that interview, brushed up on your skills, read some articles about “Top Ten Interview Questions and How to Answer Them” and you concentrated on the hardest ones like “Tell me about yourself…” LinkedIn helped you, maybe a book about job interview skills. The day before, you laid out your clothes, ironed them, made sure your shoes were okay. You went over your checklist, made sure that your breakfast was prepped and you laid down for bed  with some dread, some excitement and some hope. The day of the interview, you got up, showered, got ready, prepped your mind and went over your notes. You showed up on time, checked in, and tried to stay calm as you waited in the waiting area. Then, that moment came where the door opens, your name is called and down that hallway you go, being sharp, pleasant attitude, and most of all, you were paying attention to the details of the job at hand, that being impressing the interviewer and getting the job.

Fast forward a few months or a few years… You don’t lay your clothes out, you’re not dressed as sharp, and you’re late or at the very best, you show up on time but you’re not getting started because the routine you now have delays work as long as possible but your daily preparation looks like you are accomplishing something.

So what happened?

The same fucking thing that always happens… It’s called a “Quit Mindset” and we all suffer from it. You excitedly make resolutions that you don’t keep, you swear that change is happening, which it doesn’t…  The new job becomes the old job when you experience endorphin reuptake… You stop when the pain starts… Operational capacity increases when you feel stress. Possibility of a new job means you HAVE to step up. Getting the job is exciting and then, you start half-assing everything and the funny part is you fucking complain about the very thing you worked hard to get…  Your Quit Mindset made you stop trying… 

Half-assing… Let’s talk about that…. I personally think that the average person is operating at about 50% capacity most of the time. Think about it. We all have super productive days where we just kick ass… We slayed the list of shit we had to do, kept a good attitude and finished up smiling… Most of the time though, we get up, wander through the day, and at best, we masturbated and maybe managed to get the dishes out of the sink… Then, we tell ourselves that “I needed that day because I have been working so hard lately…” So you’re operating at about half capacity. If you are okay with that, power to you. No harm and no foul, but try to stay out of the way of others, you’re slowing us down… 

Now let’s take that example and apply it to other things… 

You made that resolution to get in shape. Laid out your workout clothes, made that protein shake and put it in the refrigerator and set the alarm. Day One, you’re up, out and running, back for a healthy breakfast and that shake tastes like a fucking victory. Day two, the soreness is a badge of honor and you are right there working through it and that shake tastes like future muscles. Day three, the excitement is wearing off and the shake tastes like what it is, a protein shake… By day five, you just walked through the workout and gagged that shit down and you’re glad for the weekend because you’ve been “working so hard and you plan on stretching out both days… You end up sleeping in, fucking around, blowing off stretching out with some lame ass excuses and by Monday, your plans are defenestrated because life is just too hectic to add working out into the mix right now. 

Wait a second? What is too hectic about this Monday that wasn’t too hectic about last Monday? You’re lazy and you know it but culture dictates that we must convert that negative word into something else or otherwise our feelings might get hurt. Lazy becomes “too busy” and you stay in your “Quit Mindset” and continue with your average life. Like I said before, if you’re fine with average, power to you but do you remember the name of that guy wrote that book about being average? Yeah, me neither, because he didn’t write it because no one wants to read it… So go down to the trophy shop and pick up one of these for yourself:

Listen, I know this is funny and I know it’s probably offensive to some people and I get it. I was the guy once who felt bad when I was challenged to face the truth of what I was. I know people need help and I understand that too… However, most of us need just one thing. When we throw in the towel, we need someone to throw the motherfucker back  at us and tell us we aren’t done, we’re not tired and we need to suck it up. Hard enough isn’t hard enough, we need to push past that 50% barrier we all have. 

So remove the overprotecting voice in your head. Some things have to be done in order for many of us to break out. We gotta be honest, first and foremost… Don’t be a self-deprecating douchebag either. Don’t make those self-criticizing jokes to make people around you comfortable in your misery. You know exactly what I’m talking about. So first you have to be honest, and then you need to make a plan. Not a fucking resolution. Those are just worn out lies and broken promises. Make a plan like when you go on vacation. You don’t get half way through a trip to the Grand Canyon and decide to quit. You don’t fade halfway through a trip to the Bahamas… You plan, you execute and you fucking finish what you started. So set a date, get the things you need and when the day comes, attack that motherfucker like your life depends on it, because in so many ways it does. 

Get to work…

Whew… I even offended myself with that one because I could do better than what  I’m doing. Sometimes my attitude about my 90 Day Life Change Challenge isn’t so good. So I need to adjust… 

Well, Day Ten and I got up, worked out, meditated and my writing is completed… Slept well and the day is just starting…

Have a good day, make a plan… Be the best version of yourself that you can…

Love ya, mean it…