Day Eight: Okay, Screw This, What's in it For Me?

 Great news! The seventh night of alcohol detoxification doesn’t have any dreams! The downside? Well, it also includes little to no sleep… Yesterday was a disaster and last night was probably one of the most miserable nights of my life. At 2:45 the fight to keep from getting demoralized was lost. I lay in bed after tossing and turning for hours and I felt like I couldn’t take another minute of it. The darkness was too much, I didn’t want to turn on the lights, and I felt like I hit the bottom. In that moment, I wanted to get up, get dressed and find the half bottle of vodka I have on the shelf and just find some solace in the bottom of the bottle.  I asked myself those selfish, stupid and ageless questions that all addicts ask themselves…

What the fuck am I suffering for and what is in this for me? Why in the fuck am I doing this? 

In those moments, you have got to find your why. I wonder if that makes sense to anyone else. “Find my why…” What does that mean? I think in times of stress, times of trouble, we look around us and our fight or flight mechanism kicks in and we have to make decisions. Should I keep fighting or should I just succumb to the addictions that rule my life. 

Find your why.

Your “Why” is the definition of your intent that designates why you are choosing to do what you are doing. It is about your personal choices and the reasons you make those choices.  It is your conviction. It is your personal mission statement. It is a vision of your life as you want it to be.

So why am I suffering? Honestly at this point, I don’t know yet. Partially, it is because I despise the fact that alcohol has a hold on me. That is a strong word isn’t it? Despise. Since I have been a child, I have been independent, strong willed and mule headed about most everything. I cannot fit alcohol into that mindset anymore. I thought I had control of it. Hear me out… I did not drink until 8:00 PM every day except for the occasional stints of day drinking once in a blue moon. I limited myself to two drinks on weekdays and three on weekends. The two drinks became bigger and bigger until my 12 ounce glasses were 10 ounces of vodka and 2 ounces of cranberry juice. My limit was “I don’t want to get mouthy”… Every 5 months, I took a month off to “keep control” of it. I was in control like a driver going 125 miles an hour on a curvy road. On the verge of losing it constantly... Take a good look at that. On the surface I could tell people I “only” had two drinks per day but underneath my statement was the truth that I drank 20 ounces of vodka per day, and 30 on Friday and Saturday nights. I drank a 750ml bottle of Russian Vodka per week and that adds up to four to five per month. I drank so much that my tolerance levels were so high that I didn’t have hangovers. I planned my day around eight o’clock. I had to get everything in because after eight, vodka and I danced our dance and nothing was going to stop that. I was proud of myself. I was “in control”… Except I wasn’t in control, the alcohol was. My life was planned around it and even though I kept myself from going too far, it was everything I could do to keep that speeding car in the road. 

Now, how did I justify that? That sounds excessive in ways that are shocking.

I exercised like a fiend, fasted 16 hours a day, ate a 100% whole food, plant based diet, worked 40 hours, excelled at most everything I did but the struggle to keep that level of success became intolerable.  I began to notice that I was sluggish all the time, gained weight that I did not want and felt generally like shit every morning and just considered it like a badge of honor that I could do what I was doing. Let’s back up to one part of that last statement and take a good look at it. Connect “I gained weight I didn’t want” to an earlier writing where I explained the “Look Good Naked Project”… Those two don’t match up do they? 

So, what’s in this for me? Health and vanity… Simple as that. Feeling good and the success of  “The (ongoing) Look Good Naked Project…” 

What does “health” mean to me? We all define things for ourselves and (hopefully) adjust those definitions as we get more information. As I get older, I understand that my health is connected to so many things. Holistic was hippy word when I was in my twenties… I didn’t have time to listen to some idiot talking about my mind and my body were connected… I thought “Who gives a fuck?” I can work all day, eat a steak, drink all night, then get  laid, take some drugs, party til 4: AM, get 30 minutes of sleep, take a shit, get a shower  and do it all over again, for days. To me, that was healthy. Fuck a bunch of holistic bullshit.

Now when you consider your body like a vehicle, that philosophy doesn’t work very well. A vehicle takes maintenance, oil changes, and good fuel, down time and generally, you don’t punch the accelerator every time you go somewhere. Run a car or truck long enough without taking care of it and well, sooner or later you’re calling a tow truck. 

Over the years, as I learned more and felt the hand of death stalking me, I have become a vegan, and kept drinking because yeah, drinking is bad but being a vegan is good. Then I started exercising, but kept drinking because yeah drinking is bad but exercise is good. Add some meditation for the mind body connection… Keep drinking… Add the whole food label to my vegan diet to enhance the fuel I intake… Keep drinking…  Drop as many bad habits as I possibly can but keep drinking. Get more sleep, but keep drinking…  Justify, justify and then justify because drinking is part of my life, always has been, always will be…  

Realization is a motherfucker… My last month off to keep control turned into 25 days because I hurt my back. So if I can’t exercise, why not drink? Even though I am suffering, I am thankful this morning because I was dumb as fuck for so long but I finally admitted that drinking vodka was not something I could control anymore. 

But…

This shit blows ass… My friend sent me a link about the stages of alcohol withdrawal and good news, my suffering is on track and quite normal. My symptoms are more psychological than physical now except for the insomnia and Hell I can deal with that easily… Being tired is as American as apple pie and meth addiction… I’ve been tired for 30 years… Hopefully as I adjust I will get better sleep and that will pass also…

On we go… You didn’t think I was going to just cry on your shoulder and walk away did you? I mean, that level of addiction is really deep and I wouldn’t want you to be able to say “well, I’m not that bad so I must be okay…” Here is the deal… The truth of the matter…

STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHER PEOPLE TO JUSTIFY YOUR OWN PROBLEMS…

Okay, let’s look at statement. If you read the first part of the blog and you said “well damn, I don’t drink THAT much, I must be okay!” If you think you drink too much, you drink too much. This goes for any addiction… Pick your fucking poison, if you think you have a problem, then probably do.  Try this, just consider stopping whatever you suspect is a problem for a second, analyze the immediate justifications, feelings, emotions and finally, gauge your anxiety levels… The higher the numbers of reasons, the more negative the emotions and the higher level of anxiety, the likeliness of a problem is greater. This isn’t psychology; it’s just my personal experience…. 

In fact, this entire “90 Day Life Change” experiment is based on my personal experience but I suspect that out there are a lot of people who want to change, you just have no idea how to start. 

Here is an idea, drop the excuses, talk to someone if you need to, get some professional help if necessary. Find your why and get to work. If you had started yesterday, the principal suffering would be one day closer to being over. Want to stop smoking? Get the patch if you need to, get ready to suffer and then get it on. Want to lose weight? Stop fucking around and find a program or diet that works for you and execute it like it is designed to be done. Remember Nike? Just Do It… Drinking got the best of you? AA is waiting for you with hundreds of people who can be your example. Same for drugs, NA has the answers you need… Want to start exercising? Then get off your ass and get to work. This life isn’t kind, it isn’t fair and if you want to excel, you’re going to have to suffer. No one ever said life was fair and if you are whining about how you never get a break, while that may be true, no one gives a fuck. The decision to start is on you, then there are plenty of people, programs and help for you to get through the rough patches and succeed.

Stop complaining about “trying” and buck up and “Nike” that motherfucker… Just do it. Stop saying "I'm trying to lose some weight" and simply state, I'm losing weight... Then if people judge for for being too confidant, lose more weight to spite them.

Okay… My updates. Night seven was a bitch or a bastard, take your pick… I cannot describe it in any other way except to tell you that last night I cried. I complained to myself until I broke down and wept. I guess I needed to because when 5:21 came, I hit the snooze and I laid there and waited for 5:30 AM to happen. When I heard Lady Gaga (yes, Lady Gaga wakes me up and you can kiss my muscular ass, she is amazing...) I got up, made my bed, bathroom, coffee and at 6:00 AM I started the clock and did a ½ Murph in 00:22:24.68, did P90X3 Total Synergistics, a 2 min and 30 second static plank, meditated for 20 minutes and sat down to write. Today I will complete the entire challenge. Took me eight days to adjust, stop whining and find my groove. Won’t be like this every day, but progress is progress. I am only comparing myself to myself here as I am taking my own advice. My failure yesterday wasn’t palatable and I decided at 3:00 AM that even if I wasn’t able to find sleep at all, I would be up and running no matter the pain, no matter the cost. 

When you punch through the barriers that you make for yourself and look past the nonsensical expectations (and/or reasons they have for you not to excel…) of others, and catch on to the truth of how powerful you are, when you realize that the human mind is the strongest thing on this planet and you get a taste of the other side, you want more.  The feeling that I had yesterday when I got up 4 ½ hours late woke me up and this morning whetted my appetite. Now I want more... Today that 90 days is nothing… I cannot wait to see how deep this rabbit hole goes.

See you tomorrow…

Love you, mean it…