Alright… I did it, kinda. I dragged my ass out of bed this
morning at 6:00 AM and yes, again, I was 30 minutes late, but I got the COVID19
shot yesterday and my arm… Me, me, me, me, me... Sore arm, me, me...Wait a second… I got up 30 minutes late because I failed to
get up at 5:30 AM like I was supposed to. The alarm went off at 5:21 AM and I
hit the snooze four times instead of once. If nothing else, this writing
project is going to force me to stop making excuses. Now, I may have failed in
getting up, but I carefully did a partial ½ Murph, not in record time and not
with any impressive speed, but I did it. That first set was about as careful as
old people fuck and the second not any faster, but I am slowly making headway towards
100%. For those of you who have not read my previous stuff a ½ Murph is:
100 Burpees
150 Squats
100 pushups
50 pullups
I break all my numbers down into 5 sets because at my age, doing
100 burpees in a row might not turn out so well in the end… In fact, it might
be my end. So I do five sets of:
10 Burpees
15 Squats
10 Push-ups
5 Pull-ups
15 Squats
10 Push-ups
5 Pull-ups
10 Burpees
My fastest time for five sets is 17 minutes and 45 seconds…
My time for TWO sets today was 15 minutes and 52 seconds. So not my best time,
I did not finish and even though I failed, I showed up… That is what we are
going to talk about today… Showing up without going anywhere…
The gym is fine, do not get me wrong but the gym is far away…
It involves getting up, getting dressed, finding your gear, getting in your
car, truck or van, and driving to the gym… Going inside, setting up for your
workout, working out with multiple instances of waiting on some sweaty human to
finish on the machine you need and sometimes that person is a total dick
leaving their body fluids on the machine you want to use… So you can either:
A) wipe it off
B)
confront them
C) go tell on them
D) Just lie down in their pool of sweat (which sometimes happens when you are not paying attention)
E) skip that part of your workout…
None of that is pleasant… No one wants to clean up after a
stranger and no one wants to confront some low brow meathead hopped up on
some chemical pre-workout drink at 6:00 AM in the morning or after a long day
at work or really any fucking time… Meatheads aren’t approachable when buzzing
off energy drinks and narcissism… Free advice – Do not approach a person about
their inconsiderate behavior when they look like the reflection in a funhouse
mirror or you see veins the size of oak tree roots in the shoulders, chest and
forearms… They do not like it because it interferes with them gazing lovingly
at their own reflections in the endless gym mirrors… Only approach these people
with questions about them or how to be like them otherwise, just wipe off the
machine…
After your workout, you can gather up your stuff, walk from
the warm and pungent venue out into the parking lot and drive home… Now let me
point out that pungent isn’t always bad… Frying onions have a rather pungent, pleasant
odor but the pungent of the gym isn’t like that… The pungency of the gym is a
group of sweaty, farting, belching and heavily breathing people all mixing
their perfume into a stew of human incense that you really wouldn’t want to
burn… Secondly if you have ever driven to the gym in cold weather, it takes you
15 minutes to get warmed up once you arrive and the rush of freezing air that
greets you at the exit when you are drenched in sweat with greased up joints
and warm muscles doesn’t feel good. Your car, which probably did not have time
to even get lukewarm has chilled back to outside temperature and driving home
is like one of those polar bear swims they do on Lake Erie in February. You
know, when they cut a hole in the ice and people with death wishes go swimming?
Alright, I did not have a death wish but when I jumped into the water, time stopped,
and I screamed like my eight year old daughter on a cheap county fair roller
coaster… (Skip ahead to 1:20 for the scream…)
Now doesn’t all that sound like getting in shape is great fun?
Nope… Well I have a solution. It takes away the excuse that I hear ALL the time
now… “Well, I have gained weight BUT AS SOON AS THE PANDEMIC IS OVER, I’LL GO
BACK TO THE GYM…” Let’s look at that… The gym is empty right now I will give
everyone that… Nobody wants to acquire COVID19 at the gym because that’s like
leaning into a left hook. The grocery store? Yeah, of course, everyone needs
food and if you risk your life for food and get COVID19 that’s understandable
and even I, in my cynicism would feel empathy for you. But tell me you got
COVID19 at the gym and I might show up at your oxygen tent just so I could see
a real life idiot… Just joking because I’m not going near a hospital right now,
but I will nod knowingly and possibly giggle when I get the text message about
your plight… Now if that pissed you off, I go skydiving and if I bounce off the
runway because my shoot didn’t open, feel free to do the same… Now while I am
sorta, kinda joking hear me out. If you are talking to me and you tell me that
you continue your gym excursions in the middle of the worst part of this pandemic,
I won’t directly say anything rude but if you really want to know my feelings,
take a good look at my face when you tell me, if you have any psychology
training or interactional intuition, you’ll see it… It’s that smirk that
ripples under the surface of my face, almost imperceptible, but believe me,
inside my head, there is some raucous laughter at your choices…
My point after all that is this… Your reason for not going
to the gym during the pandemic is not an excuse, it is a solid reason. Totally reasonable,
logical, and valid. However, your reason for your weight gain and not working
out? Therein lies the worthless excuse. There are ways to workout that do not
lie within the walls of a gym….
Let’s talk about one that doesn’t involve leaving the house but
first, let’s get the top two excuses out
of the way…
“I’m only motivated to workout at the gym…” That’s like saying you are only horny in a bed…
I personally can fuck just about anywhere except in public, but I also don’t
work out in public because making orgasm noises around groups of strangers
bothers me… Lifting weights and working out
noises sound a lot like orgasms… Think
about that…
“I don’t have any equipment…” You don’t have equipment? Do you have legs?
Arms? Do you have body weight? Are you susceptible to gravity? Then you pretty
much have what you need for a strenuous,
difficult, sweat inducing workout right in your home… If you seriously just MUST have equipment,
stop throwing money at the gym and invest in kettle balls, exercise bands, a
doorway pullup bar… Can’t stop throwing money because of a gym contract?
*snorts laughter* Sorry about that… If
you need direction, invest in BeachBody Online or some other subscription
service. BeachBody Online has dozens of programs and hundreds of workouts far
cheaper than any personal trainer. This is the 21st century, you can
have so many things right in your home now, so during the pandemic, take
advantage of the technology you pay for…
Again, my point here isn’t to shame you for loving the gym,
it’s shaming you for pretending to love the gym and telling yourself that as
soon as the gym reopens safely, you will return and burn off a year of no
exercise… Honestly, how much did you use the gym before the pandemic? Tell the
truth…
So you can put up with this…
You can wait for this:
You know, while your planking, call your mom, she probably
wants to hear from you… Unless you have a mom like mine, then, call a stranger,
they will appreciate it more…
Let’s get through this shit and come out on the other side
better people, more motivated, focused and healthy…
See you tomorrow!
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