Negative, toxic people defy common sense. Some of them are somehow ignorant of the negative impact that they have on those around them. Their negative, pessimistic attitudes permeate the room and they lack self-awareness to a degree that is disturbing and even feel as if their mind-set is somehow helpful. Their advice, although relevant, is destructive and critical. The other type of negative person seems to derive satisfaction from creating chaos and pushing other people’s buttons, bullying their way through life making others around them feel defeated in their presence. Either way, they generate unnecessary complexity, strife, and worst of all, they create stress.
We are all aware of the studies that have shown that stress can have a lasting, negative impact on the brain. Exposure to even a few days of stress compromises the effectiveness of neurons in the hippocampus; an important brain area responsible for reasoning and memory. Weeks of stress cause reversible damage to neuronal dendrites (the small “tentacles” that brain cells use to communicate with each other), and months of stress can permanently destroy these neuron receptors. Stress is a formidable threat to your happiness. When stress gets out of control, your brain and your performance suffer.
There are many types of relationships in your life… I want to deal with three of the most important, most relevant areas where you may be dealing with a negative person… Work, friends and family…
Work…
Most sources of stress at work are easy to identify. Deadlines, too large of a workload, performance, etc… We have all been under the gun at work and although difficult, these stressors are easier to handle because they have a source that we can often times handle because we know that they will eventually subside. It's the unexpected, unending sources of stress that take you by surprise and harm you the most. The toxic, negative co-worker who unexpectedly stops by to bring you down with their long list of negative tales of “he said / she said”, office politics gone wrong and upcoming doom.
Negativity takes a toll on many aspects of the workplace. It affects everything from engagement to productivity, and even impacts employee retention. No one likes to work in a toxic work environment, period. Combating negativity at work is not an insurmountable challenge; you just have to go about it in a strategic manner.
Friends…
Negative friends are a little different story. A negative friend isn’t an asset, can have a serious effect on your confidence levels, the belief in yourself, and even the amount of action you take on your dreams. Yeah, really… If you were trying to learn how to paint and every painting you did was disparaged, picked apart and, my favorite way of killing someone’s enthusiasm, “constructively criticized” by those closest to you, most of us would quit painting.
Your friends are your support network, friends are there to encourage, lift you up and celebrate with. Yes, friends are there to catch you when you fall, when disaster happens and when you are feeling down too, but think about it, when you call everyone to come over for the game, or to go out, your friends are the ones you want to have fun with, not listen to some asshole complain their way through the get together.
Downbeat friends can be ditched, simple as that but if the relationship is important to you, this commentary may help salvage them. A friend, even one you have had since second grade is not worth your happiness. If they’re constantly putting you down, engaging is behaviors that trouble you and encouraging you to waste your precious time, they’ve got to go.
Family…
Ah yes… The negative family member… The real reason behind this piece of writing… Dealing with a negative family member can be exhausting… Here are the people in your life that should be lifting you up, giving you hope, making you laugh and an escape from life when you are under pressure. Instead, there are family members who think that ripping you apart is helping you. Critical of your job, critical of your decisions, your every move scrutinized… They question, analyze your answers and then advise you of how they would do it, disregarding if they hurt you, because they think their advice, although critical is the best way to “help” you… These fucking people will rip you to shreds… Now, what is really odd about this is that they will tear you down for the sole reason to help you back up. Yeah… Their purpose for treating you like dogshit on the bottom of their shoe is to make themselves helpful in consoling you after they scrape you off... In their mind, this makes them a much needed asset in your life. It’s like a person who will run over you with their car so they can nurse you back to health. They need you way more than you need them, believe it. I call this the “one-sided co-dependent relationship”… One sided because they need you and you don’t need them and co-dependent because without you in their lives, who would they punch in the face so they could get you some ice for your fat lip?
So how do we deal with this? What are some strategies for handling these people? Here are some ways to cope, and keep your sanity, happiness and goals on track…
1. Stay calm using understanding and empathy…
• Recognize that their bad behavior may have nothing to do with you. It's not about you when someone says something mean in your general direction. Some people are rude and negative to everyone. While that's no excuse for their bad behavior, it may give you peace of mind to know that the negative person you are dealing with, whether the grouchy clerk behind the counter or the abusive parent aren’t directly attacking you, they are miserable, feel alone and need some understanding.
• Some people may be struggling with difficult situations, such as a loss of a family member or friend, a failing relationship, failing a class, losing a job, a recent move, not having enough money to pay the bills, or any number of the exact same things that have affected you at one time or another and while you may have handled it with clarity, purpose and not taken it out on everyone around you, not everyone has the mental health that you may possess (totally being tongue in cheek here if you didn’t recognize it…) Truthfully, you might very well at one time have been like the bastard that is condemning you. We all have our negative moments don’t we?
• Others may have a long-standing history of depression, anxiety, anger or mental illness. They may have difficulty with controlling their mood and regulating how they feel or communicate. You never know what people are hiding, or think they are hiding. Using empathy will often dissipate another person’s bad behavior and even if it doesn’t, it will alleviate that stress you are feeling.
2. Keep conversations neutral with known negative people and steer them towards neutrality when they fall into negativity.
• Sometimes people can become unbearable when the conversation turns to stressful or emotionally charged topics. Religion, politics, and money can all lead to stressful and opinionated arguments. Avoid the mess of trying to "win" an argument or defending yourself. I try to keep positivity in my life as much as possible and I thrive on the writings and speeches of positive people. Two of the most powerful quotes that I have ever read that have helped me deal with negative people are “Learn to be okay with people not knowing your side of the story because you have nothing to prove to anyone.” and the at first glance, the simplistic but oh so profound “Let whoever think whatever…” Yeah, let an asshole be an asshole because no one’s opinion of you, your life or your goals should mean jack shit to you, especially if tearing you down to their level appears to be their modus operandi…
• Redirect or terminate uncomfortable conversations. Negative people can be diffused. By finding something to agree with them, they can feel vindicated and you can avoid unnecessary negative emotions, mental exhaustion and stress. Let them feel superior, they’re not… Let them feel correct, they’re not… It’s much easier to let them be “be right” than it is to let them poison your life. Avoiding these people by deflecting them isn’t losing anything, in fact, you won by controlling the communication. Remember, these people feed off of negative interactions, sarcasm and putting others down. In actuality, negative people feel threatened by you, they feel overshadowed in most cases and the only way they know to level the playing field in their mind is to tear you down to their level instead of rising to yours… Most of them are failures and usually pretty angry about it, so take that into account when you feel attacked by them. You may have inadvertently backed them into a corner in their mind, so you allow yourself to recognize that you are a threat to them and back off graciously.
3. Focus your time on family members who are supportive.
• While you may feel stressed, anxious, or upset by the behaviors of unbearable people, especially those who should be in supportive roles in your life, avoid dwelling on their negative behavior. Focus on what you can control; your own actions. Take your mind off of unbearable people by reminding yourself of those who support you. Turn to others who lift you up and love you in positive, sustaining manners.
4. Use that negativity as fuel…
• Yeah, really… Fuck em, keep going. Use that negativity as fuel to succeed and eventually to shut them up. When someone tells you that you can’t, smile and just nod because you know you can and why do you need their support anyway? In the end, when you succeed, they may even take credit for your success, but that is unimportant because the reality is, they were threatened by your attempts at doing better than them and it was your work, your drive, your discipline that made it happen.
• Turn their negativity into a joke, make it amusing and their tactics will fail every time they attempt to engage you. Love them, respect them but make them understand that trying to connect with you on any level other than yours is futile. Recognize their bloviating as an attempt at ”pissing into the wind” so to speak…
5. Finally, avoid, or even eliminate them if necessary…
• Almost all negativity has its roots in one of three deep-seated fears: the fear of being disrespected by others, the fear of not being loved by others, and the fear of not being as good as others. You cannot combat any of these feelings. These are solved by personal epiphany only. That epiphany may come from self reflection, which you cannot make anyone self reflect…. It may come from therapy which you cannot make a negative person attend and you cannot make someone believe in themselves… You may project good qualities, show good attitudes and be an example but this is no guarantee that the toxic person will recognize it.
• In the end, whether friend, co-worker or even a family member, you may need to avoid or eliminate contact with them. Some people are so lost in their damaging toxicity, they will never recover. This is not your responsibility no matter who they are, how important they are to you or even how much they rely on you… Sadly, it is not your duty, even if they are on a familial level to continue to let them tear into you. Perhaps they need to be isolated to come to their senses, perhaps not, still not your responsibility…
As you may have realized by now, dealing with negative people takes patience and humility. Now if you have been paying attention, the fact that you find it difficult to deal with others’ negativity may suggest that there is a seed of negativity in you. By taking responsibility for your own shortcomings, you will find it easier to control your feelings, because again, the only thing you do have control over is how you react to people, even when those reactions are based in deep seated emotional constructs. Self awareness is a real bastard sometimes but the opportunities to learn from it are endless… If you didn’t feel constricted or deflated by others’ negativity and you were fully secure in how you view yourself, then you wouldn’t find the company of negative people to be all that difficult. Realizing that you have to work on fixing your own negativity even as you are helping another person deal with theirs will help you gain the compassion, positivity, and maturity that is needed for this complicated, but ultimately satisfying, undertaking….
Good luck…
The 90 Day Life Change Challenge update… Sunday mornings are difficult for me… I take a break from the ½ Murph and that feels like I am slacking and throws off my mornings a little. I always reverse order my schedule and write first before I exercise to try and alleviate that feeling… The respite is good for my body and the deviation from my strict schedule is a lesson in relaxation for my mind… Structure is good but excessive structure is not… In actuality, excessive anything isn’t healthy… Except for sex… I have become a little complacent in my endeavor perhaps because of the length of time I have been performing it… I am always conscious to keep a good attitude, a positive outlook and to stay mindful of the how’s and why’s of what I am doing because otherwise, what would be the fucking point? Right?
I will see you tomorrow and I think we are going to talk about Karma… Another fundamentally Buddhist construct… Another opportunity for the closed minded to reject good advice… *shrugs*
Love you all like a dog likes to sniff other dog’s butts…
Happy a good rest of your day…
No comments:
Post a Comment