Day 67: Why in the World Would You Doubt Yourself? Turn Off Your Fear...

There exists not a single person who has overcome the human condition of self-doubt. I say with full confidence that no matter who you are, a supremely confident person, a content Zen monk, a successful writer … it doesn’t matter. You have doubts about yourself. The question is whether these doubts stop you from doing amazing things, from leading the life you want to lead. Because if the most successful among us have doubts, then we all have the ability to become the best even with self-doubt…

I am one of those people who has a difficult time believing my own bullshit… See? See how I framed that? I call my beliefs, my goals, and my success “bullshit” and although I do it jokingly, there is a painful undertone of truth in it… Because I was raised in a house where I was never good enough, not quite fast enough and never as good as I could be, I have doubted myself my entire life. If you are raising a child and always telling them that they can do better, then you’re a fucker who doesn’t need children… 

Because I doubted my ability, I doubt whether I am a good enough writer to succeed in a world of immensely talented writers. Because I doubted my ability, I doubt whether I can become the health guru that I desire to be…

These doubts weren’t overwhelming, but that’s the sneaky thing about them. They aren’t in your face they creep into your subconscious so that you don’t realize they’re there, tugging at you, wearing at you, grinding your progress to a halt…. They lurk in the dark, extending an influence so pervasive that it seems a part of the fabric of our being, even if it’s only a corroded thread that’s snaked itself into that fabric. But these doubts are there, even if we rarely think about them. They’re that silent voice in our heads that say, “I can’t do it. I’m not good enough. I’d never make it. I’d only fail and embarrass myself. Why should I dare dream?” They silently guide you as you try to formulate plans, set goals, and pursue excellence…

They’re there, and they are more powerful than we can put into words.

I let them hold me back. I have worked for years, decades doing things I wasn’t even remotely happy doing, just for the safety of a job and a steady paycheck. I tried several times to work for myself but always chose something I thought might be lucrative rather than what I wanted to do with my life… This blog is my start… This is training me to write every day  one and give me confidence that I will succeed in the world of real writers… What was an impossible dream is now within my sights as an accomplishable goal…

Now, how did I beat the demons in my head?

I was wrong. I overcame those fears not through a tremendous burst of courage, not with a push through the front lines of doubts but through systematic action… This action came in little doses, doses that a few of you have watched and participated in for the last two months…  These actions are not occasionally but daily. I started this blog on a free, amateur blogging platform. I wrote posts that I have no expectations of and only a few would read religiously. For the few people that read them, they give me excellent feedback that the posts are good. This is positive information. I am overwhelmed by the support from you who read these… I sometimes doubt myself , like I always have but then I will get that one comment that tells me that I am doing someone, somewhere some good and although it was twenty reads that day and a single comment, it gives me such a boost of confidence, it totally makes my day, and I can’t wait to do it again…

I kept doing it, and kept getting good feedback, even if it was just from a handful of readers. One of those early supporters was a guy named Jose, a great guy who I know in person here in Bakersfield who reads my posts every day and sends me a text to let me know he supports me…  . He told me I was good, that I spoke from the heart, that I would be big one day. Then there is Marcie, who reposts me, comments on how helpful my writing is and let's me know that my sometimes "raw" writing isn't offensive, it's honest… Tristan, who reminds me often that my posts are a nightly read and of a great help to him personally...  I appreciate that these people believe in me, and this is more positive information.

Through these little packets of information, I am starting to build a database, a prototype in my heart that tell me my old doubts were wrong. They were just flimsy façades that I had built up into something so solid they seemed indestructible. They seemed so real they were unquestionable, the foundation for my everyday reality and now, with all the support and a growing reader base, they are starting to fade… They were wrong, this new information is telling me. That is disruptive, and it shook me. How could everything I had believed all these years be so wrong? But the new information I am getting is consistent, and it never stops coming in. Every day, I get more positive feedback…

 

My reality today is changing, thanks to this new information, and though I still have self-doubts, I no longer let them define my reality. They’re just hypotheses, waiting to be tested by actual data, waiting to be disproven, just like the hypotheses of previous doubts have been disproven time and again. 

Do you feel that self-inflicted doubt? Believe me, you are not alone…

Everyone has these doubts. I can only speak for myself about the effect they had on me personally, but  they held me back for years and years. Now I am slowly punching through that façade brick wall and you know what? I found out its nothing more than a paper tiger… The moment you reach out and begin working towards your goal, you will find all of your self-doubt is just smoke and mirrors… A lifetime of believing that you aren’t enough disappears. Some of you have beaten them to the point where you’re doing what you love. Others haven’t yet and might not even realize those doubts are holding you back. They are and you can beat them. I’ve done it, thousands and thousands of others have too. We’re no better than you we’ve just stumbled on better information, but we got that information through trial and error, turning wants and dreams into actions.

Get the information... Do something, even if it is small and get that feedback, keep doing it, get better at it, get feedback all along the way, and see what the new information says. Put your doubts to test, let them be disproven, and when the results finally come in, and you know what reality really looks like, be proud of yourself for at least putting the doubts to test. I’m already proud of you, just for reading this far, and letting some small light shine on the doubts quivering in the darkness.

Live your dreams, be fucking fearless!

It is  me that is my enemy

Me who doubts me

Me who creates the tyrant

Me who strips my courage

I am my own worst enemy

The 90 Day Life Change Challenge update… Up early, killed that first workout and went for my outside yoga... It has been a beautiful watching th sun come up doing yoga was healing after yesterday... So lots of water today and I am going to have an intentional, meaningful day where I will pay attention to my state of mind and remain calm and happy all day... 

Love you all more than a union rep loves a grievance… I will see you all in the morning, and you better goddamn well be feeling better about yourselves and have some plan to find a way if you don’t…